The World Needs You Well: Unlocking Nervous System Health with Kelly Lubeck

Heather Hester: 00:00:00

Welcome back, my friends. If this is your first time here I am delighted you found just breathe. We talk all things loving raising and empowering LGBTQ plus people, but at the core, it is a space for you to take a breath, quiet all of the noise around you and just be. Before we get into today's episode, I want to encourage you to sign up for my inaugural parenting with pride book club. Starting next Tuesday, July 9. We will meet on Zoom for one hour a week for four weeks to discuss each of the four pillars. Embrace educating unlearn bias, and power and love. Bring your thoughts and questions or just sit quietly and know you're surrounded by affirming people. The link to register is in the show notes. You can also sign up via my website chrysalis mama.com. This may be the best $97 You spend all year. Today's guest is someone I have worked with one on one who has helped me with a ton of internal work and healing. And who I now consider a dear friend, Kelly lubac is passionate about changing the world for the better through individual, group and community level healing programs that inspire health, embodied leadership and heightened capacity for change. Kelly helps women leaders stay grounded and centered and their change making so they can deliver and lead impactful work. Enjoy meaningful relationships and deep connection with their purpose without sacrificing body, mind and spirit to their mission. Kelly's work happens at the intersection of deep and soulful coaching, science of the nervous system, shamanic healing, yoga, mindfulness, and 25 years of experience leading service based programs around the world. Today's conversation is the first of several that Kelly and I will have and I am so happy she is here to share her wisdom with us. Welcome, Kelly, I am so happy that you are here today. And I'm really, really excited to have this conversation about the nervous system, which I think when we first hear those words, we're not really sure what that means to take care of our nervous system to pay attention to what our nervous system is telling us. And you through so much experience and study have become. I mean, the most brilliant expert on this subject that I have ever encountered. So I have at least you know, like I said earlier in the introduction, I have worked with Kelly, one on one for almost a year. And she is also a very dear friend of mine. So I am delighted, delighted for you all to learn a little bit from Kelly today. So thank you for being here.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:03:15

Thank you so much for having me. And I'm so excited to have this conversation with you. And I really appreciate the shout out on being a brilliant expert. And I come very humbly but yes, being a complete nervous system nerd and excited to just dive in deeper both through my own experience and experience working with clients and students and just exploring the study of it because it is so foundational to everything that we live in experience. It's amazing.

Heather Hester: 00:03:43

So I wonder if you would take just like 60 seconds and give a quick overview of how you because we often when things are going on in our lives, and we're struggling for whatever reason. We're like trying to figure it out. And we're like picking, just grasping at different things. And it took a lot of that for you for you to finally realize, Oh my gosh, this is my nervous system. Can you talk just a little bit about that? Yeah, one

Kelly Lubeck: 00:04:11

of my favorite ways to explain the work that we do around the nervous system is to understand that we have a system within our bodies our brain or spinal cord, the peripheral system, our autonomic nervous system, which has all the automatic functions, like our nervous system is responsible for everything, our our breathing, our digestion, our heart rate, our hormonal production, or lack of production, our like all of the different basic functions that we don't have to think about wound healing, healing hormones, anti anti aging hormones, all of these things are influenced by the nervous system. The way that I really like to think about it, though, is it's basically the the tracker Have all of our lived experience. So whatever it is that we've lived from early childhood into adulthood, and and an older age is recorded in this system. And so we begin to very early on track patterns that speak to us of what is safe, and what is not safe. And so with these patterns that are learned through our lived experience, what we observe what we walk through what we live, how we relate, we learn the rules in the system for what is safe and not safe. And that basically creates patterns within us that then determine the ways that we engage in the world, or the ways that we disengage from the world. And so it's so foundational, I'm happy to go into this more as we speak. But for me, that's like, really the most essential piece is our systems are out looking at how do we stay in survival? And how do we advance the species within the human that we are by keeping us safe. And we have the threat response and the threat detection up all the time. And we can learn to work with that and really effective ways that can help us learn to be in the world and thrive in the world in ways that are different than we might have experienced through our own lived experience. If that makes sense.

Heather Hester: 00:06:26

It does. A lot. I think one of the most fascinating things for me, as I started this work with you and I, my guess is that this is true for so many people is that at some point, all of the messaging that we've just been collecting our whole lives and our nervous system, at the certain point, we start to not pay attention anymore to the messaging to the information that our nervous system is giving us for various reasons. It's too overwhelming. It's too painful. It's too we don't understand it. And we we disengage we disconnect from that. And I know that I came to at a point where I was like, I have no idea. Like I could say I think my nervous system is fried I feel this way. But I couldn't tell you why, and what was going on and where and where that came from. And so I'm wondering if you could just talk a little bit. First, validate that for everybody. Because that is such I think a very common experience for so many of us. So when you're saying like these things are automatic, these things are this over here. on an intellectual level, we understand that. Yeah, but if we just are you ask us right now to sit here and feel that? I would think that a lot of people are like, I can't.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:07:54

Yes, yes, totally. Okay, there's so many pieces in here to unpack. But well, questions there for you. That's so great. And I think and what I do want to acknowledge too, is that I, I feel like in the world now, especially post COVID. And this surge during COVID is just this, this sort of more popularized knowing of the nervous system or speaking about the nervous system and really normalizing anxiety, mood disorders, you know, depression, the ups and downs feeling the fight or flight is one that people use all the time, right, I feel like the references to the nervous system became much more widely understood. And so there's a lot more that's being spoken about it in the world. And with that, I think there's a lot of disinformation or misinformation and confusion around it. And so what what I think is really important to understand is, we can have feelings of heightened sensation, which might feel like anxiety or nervousness, or, you know, if I'm going to go give a talk or you're gonna go speak on your amazing new book, you know, you go out there, you're going to engage a part of the nervous system, which is very activating. So you are on and that is normal for your nervous system to be activated and on. And, and it can get a little extra activated and that can look like anxiety. And then we can have the the de escalating part of the nervous system, we call it the parasympathetic nervous system, which is the slowing things down. And it's the rest and digest part. It's the part that allows you to get to sleep at night, or to digest your food well or to slow down and be able to snuggle up with your kid and connect with them or have a deep and meaningful conversation with someone you care about. That's also the nervous system. And then there are times when, with the patterns that have been established. So let's just say for example, that, you know, you grew up in a household where things were high intensity or high pressure, and there was always like you had to be on you had to perform, you had to say yes, and you had to do good, and all the things, so many of us have limbus experience. And so, if that's the case, you might tend towards a more activated nervous system that leans more towards what looks like, what we know, as anxiety. And so it's like this always being on always being maybe a little on the verge of agitation, or always needing to go, go, go and doo doo doo. So that's, that's nervous system. And then sometimes what happens is, when people have been going and sort of stuck in a pattern for so long, that it's like, the switch gets stuck. So the on switch is on, and you can't turn it off. So if you're in a more activated state, that could look like, oh, I can't went down, I can't get to sleep, or something was going on with my kid. And I'm really worried and I can't turn off the mind, it just feels like those wheels are turning all the time. And, and that is, that's because this pattern has just gotten in, in a in a stock way. And what, and then let's just take the flip of that, which is, we also have the slowing down nervous system, which can be, you know, the, I'm holding my newborn baby, and we're so connected, and it's beautiful, or I've, you know, hugging my partner or my teen and we're feeling really connected. That's that's like the slowing down nervous system. The other part of that, like further along the continuum is the freeze part where we get frozen, or we get stuck in a place of slowed down. So it might look like I can't get off the couch, my, my brain isn't just processing thoughts Well, or I really need to, I need to get my book out in the world, or I need to help my kid do X, Y, and Z thing. But I'm actually just stuck, like I'm frozen, I can't, I can't move forward. And in many cases that can look like you know, sitting on the couch chilling out with Netflix and a bowl of ice cream or chips. And it's it's more of the kind of numbing behavior. And it's very decelerated. Either one of those to be stuck in them is problematic, because one, we're not meant to be stuck in them. And we have a biology that's built to be able to move between the more activated and the more slowed down parts of the nervous system. So I want I want to share an analogy that I find to be really helpful. But I just want to ask, does that make sense? Or do you have questions? Or do you want to offer any clarification? I'm trying to know, I

Heather Hester: 00:13:00

think that makes a ton of sense. And I think is a really, really great overview. And I do want to hear your analogy. And then I have one question, or a couple questions after that. So I'd like to touch on the freeze. And also just kind of specific examples of, you know, where people might be and what that might look like. So it like relates back so we can connect these,

Kelly Lubeck: 00:13:32

hopefully to connect the dots to real life experience, which is the most important reason to learn this. Okay, so what i One analogy I'd love to offer is the river analogy. And so if we think of a flowing river, as our nervous system, and our body and our resilience, and then if we think of rocks in the river, the you know, the rocks that might jump up in a river or where you have rapids, those are like the traumas, those are triggers, they're stressors, they're the older weights that we're carrying, they change the flow of the river, right? So the more rocks we have, the rougher the river is going to be. It's just going to flow more rapidly. And it's going to be a rougher ride. The fewer rocks we have, the easier the water can flow. And so what what we're aiming for is flow. What we want is to be able to move between and I touched on just some really basic parts of the nervous system, right? Like we can nerd out on this for hours. But the basics we want to move between the more accelerated state and the more sort of modified decelerated state and then, you know, being able to like really close down for the day and you know, sleep digest do the healing repair that happens during sleep time. And then there's freeze, which is has its own function as well. But we want to be able to move easily between these states. So when I think of the river analogy, it's like we want flow, and that flow is showing us we can move between those states. So there's two ways that we can create more flow, we can expand the river. So we can, like, you know, dig deeper, and dig out to the edges. So there's more flow in the in the water, or dig deeper in the water, and, you know, pull up the brown there, or we can take out the rocks. So there's different ways to approach this. So taking out the rocks look like looks like we're reducing stressors, doing deeper healing on some of the old you know, trauma pieces, and then doesn't have to be what I think of as big T trauma, these can be little T traumas that result in freeze, which we're going to talk about in a moment. And, and, and just these old patterns, so clearing of these old ways. But the widening and deepening of the river is creating more spaciousness by doing things that grow our resilience. So those are different tools and ways that we can work with our bodies and our nervous systems to create more flow by building more resilience to whatever the rocks are, right, whenever wrong show up and impact the flow of the river. Does that make sense? It does.

Heather Hester: 00:16:23

I love that, what might a couple examples of tools be?

Kelly Lubeck: 00:16:30

Okay, so there's so many beautiful tools for working with a nervous system. And one of them is my favorite. Now, we're not on video, but I'm going to describe this and it's one that I love to give to people, it's the it's the like, most effective, easiest, simplest thing that we can do is let's just say like you're feeling really stressed out. And we've all had this experience. I know we've talked through this one before.

Heather Hester: 00:16:55

It's one of my favorites, y'all. I love them so much. So listen carefully, it works.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:17:01

So you're going to take your right hand, put it to your left shoulder, left hand to your right shoulder, so you're just criss crossing, and then you're stroking from your shoulders down to your elbows, we're doing this with you. So just go ahead and reach your arms across crossing over your arms, opposite hand to the shoulder, opposite shoulder, and then you're just stroking down shoulder to elbow, gentle stroking, we're gonna keep doing this while I talk and explain what's happening here. Now, this is an evidence based tool, which is scientifically proven to engage your parasympathetic nervous system that slowing down rest and digest nervous system, keep stroking down your arms, please stay with us. So I want you to keep doing this and just notice what starts to happen in your body. So this is, this is one tool that literally you could do this for 30 seconds, 60 seconds, it will change your state. It's a really beautiful one to do with kids as well. It's such it's like giving yourself this warm hug. We're doing lots of good things with the brain, in the body here, but what's most important to know is it helps to bring on calm, it just helps to raise the capacity of your parasympathetic nervous system. So keep on doing that as long as you like. But what I really want, what's really important here is for you to notice what changes as you do it. So this is one, I give this tool all the time on the street with clients who have family with myself with my kiddo. It's such a good and beautiful, soothing tool. And of course, for your audience, whether when there's like big stressors or things going down in the family, or you're worrying about your kid or just confused about what's happening with your kid. This can be such a great one. It's so simple. It costs nothing, it takes 30 seconds, and it can completely shift how you feel. And if you want to offer it to your kid as well can totally shift how they feel. Yes. All right. So how do you feel at that one?

Heather Hester: 00:19:08

You know, this is one of my favorites. I I wish I would have had this tool seven years ago. I mean, I wish it would have had this tool 50 years ago, but I it is it works so well and so fast. That's the first time you told me that I was like Oh, come on.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:19:28

I know. It sounds so cheesy. And so right. And then I did it.

Heather Hester: 00:19:31

I was like oh my god. Yeah, I mean, you could do it while sitting at a stoplight. You can do it. No. Excuse yourself for 60 seconds. If you're in the middle of something you need a minute. Wait a minute. I mean, this plays into the whole take a breath right? Take a pause. Take those things and do this. And it's a you are an accompany. pletely different state, and not only does it call them, your physical body, but also the pores. Here's, I mean, this, I think is probably for our next conversation that we have. But the fact that our, our brain is attached to our body. And I know that sounds like such a silly statement, but just, you know, so many of us disconnect those things. So our heads because it's easier to intellectualize everything, and, yes, too hard to feel it. And this helps reconnect, I think, for me, this was one of the biggest tools of like, reconnecting, and starting to feel that like, not only was my body calm, my brain was calm, and I could like, think, and I could make a decision or, or have a conversation with clarity. And I mean, truly, truly such a game changer.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:21:05

It is such a game changer. And I think what you just said about us living disconnected from our bodies is really essential heathered because it is like we have, we have been taught to disconnect from our bodies and to access wisdom only from the neck up. But the truth is, we have this whole, they speak of bodies of wisdom, like we have a body of wisdom that we can connect to that can support us, there's I mean, this is a whole other conversation. But we you know, we have these bodies that we can check into for information to access our intuition to access access, you know, next best steps to help us make decisions that are that are more in you know, in service to us, or our families, our kiddos. And, and we have been taught to disengage the body, so much of what I teach, I mean, the reason I'm in love with teaching the nervous system, which is not the only piece I teach, but it's a huge foundational piece is that when we learn to get in connection with our bodies, and our nervous systems, everything can change. And when I say everything, I mean, your love relationships, your relationship with your kids, the way that you express in the world, the way you use your voice, for change for good. You know, if you have a mission to write a book, you've just, I'm just bringing up your book, again, shamelessly promoting you, you have you have a mission to put out in the world, then to be able to bring your voice to that in a way that really supports change is essential or to even if it's just, you know, standing up for your kid and working with a medical system or with the school system, or, you know, navigating relationships, there's so many different ways that we express and engage in a World War Two, and when we are connected with our bodies and nervous systems, we can do that in a whole different level. It's really, really powerful.

Heather Hester: 00:23:08

It is it's, it is really extraordinary.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:23:12

I know you said that you want to talk some examples? Yes,

Heather Hester: 00:23:17

I was just gonna say, you know, thinking about everybody who's listening, and a lot of a lot of people are somewhere on the journey of their their kiddo coming out. And, and that can bring up lots of nervous system dysregulation and, you know, feelings and disconnection and all of these things, even for those who are completely affirming, it can still bring up feelings of uncertainty and fear. And so I'm wondering if so I think a lot of that points to freeze, which is what I kind of brought up before because that's an easy for multiple reason. That's an easy place to get to. So I'm wondering if you could talk about that a little bit just in relation to, you know, kind of specifically where our listeners are?

Kelly Lubeck: 00:24:13

Absolutely. So. So I know we love the freeze, the freeze work, and I think we should go deeper in another in another moment on it. But I do want to speak to how it might show up for your listeners, for all of us as parents, but especially for those who are navigating new terrain with their kiddos. I think, you know, one piece that comes up just to you know, speak to the really hard part is how do we keep our kids safe? Right. I think that's a huge piece for parents is how do we keep our kids safe and in a world that's so biased and so, so harshly oriented towards our kids who are in The LGBTQ world. And so that can be really activating. And actually, I want to speak to both freeze, but also the other end of it, because it can lead us into freeze where we're just, you know, shut down or feeling really low about it, or we can't take action or, you know, we're holding, even holding our kids back, because we're worried for them. And it can look really activating on the other end of the spectrum as well, right? We're just the anxiety and like, can turn the mind off and so worried about my kid and, and, and how am I going to keep them safe and all the things that, you know, we may have had, raising my hand may have had very early on in their, in their lives, and, and then it just gets activated again. You know, as they as they come out, and we want to we want to keep them safe again, but it's like a whole in a whole different way. Right. So I think, you know, that's one way that this can come out. I think sometimes what can happen to is and this, you know, even for people who consider themselves allies, or, or feel really woke or, you know, maybe are LGBTQ themselves, or have you know, been in that world, it can, it can still bring up things I I have a dear dear friend, with kids who have come out recently, and she was just saying, like, my politics are one thing, but then when it's in my kids, it's like it's another and it's and she's struggling, she's like, I just want to keep them safe. And, and sometimes what that can look like is actually not so much the flight or anxiety or the freeze, but actually the fight. And so it can also look like going you know, going into battle with your kid. Okay, and let's also say the teen years are their own special, their own special.

Heather Hester: 00:27:00

They are not for the faint of heart.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:27:02

No, they are not. And we are like called to resilient this is like where you really want to work on widening and deepening your river. And, and with that, sometimes even in our desire to be protected, or to be supportive. It can look like, you know, we engage in the fight, whether the fight is coming to us, or we're bringing the fight. And so it can look like you know, really sparked emotion or getting angry or, or even kind of let's I'm trying to think like, you know, exploding on on things that seem like nothing things, but what's actually happening is you're feeling upset and scared. So you're picking a fight around something that is actually insignificant, but it's the safe place to pick a fight, right? And it might look like it's with your kids, it might look like it's with your partner, it might look like, you know, with your mother. So there's all sorts of ways that this can you show up. And, and then there's the part I think to I mean, there's so many layers for this community, right. It's like navigating your own family relationships, where you're wanting to keep your kids safe. And emotion, including emotionally, like emotionally safe, physically save all the things. But if your family isn't exactly a family of allies, yet, I'm always holding out hope for change. If it feels like a place where you have to defend it, and your kid is an emotionally safe, that can look also like fight flight or freeze. And so it might look like picking fights with the family or finding ways to not be with them. Because it sucks to be around them when you feel like you your kid isn't safe or or just got you know, shutting down or having health things show up that are, you know, apparently random health things that are you know, showing your body this is a whole other, we need another interview for this one's like, how our bodies give us the signals to say no, when we're having a hard time saying no. Right? So I don't mean to go off there. But those are some of the examples. Are there others that you can think of either from your own experience or just from you know, engaging with your No, I

Heather Hester: 00:29:20

think those are those are really, really good and and I think too late, and you made the point very, very well that phrase can show up anywhere. So it's not just in that heightened state of anxiety really activated. It can show up any wear on along the line of your you know the spectrum of your nervous system and how it works. And so I think that's a really great thing for people just to know to understand that. And the way it shows up is different for everyone. Everyone has their own special flavor of freeze.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:29:55

Well, let me just clarify on that because the freeze is actually a piece of but it is the parasympathetic nervous system, but the shutdown part of it. But so it may be that some people go into freeze. But what I was, what I was wanting to communicate was that, that that's a real common place to go to. And there's lots of freeze. And I think we need a whole other session. So yes, but there's, there's also the more activated place, which is the fight or the flight as well. So it just can look different ways that all of these are different ways that our nervous systems get activated, or in some, I'm not a fan of the word trigger, but that they get triggered as well. So those are so just to clarify, for

Heather Hester: 00:30:39

clarifying that, yes, I think that's fair. And it's interesting to see, I will just share an example of something that happened very recently, because I was watching it, it wasn't happening to me. But we had a graduation party for my daughter. And we had lots of people here, and a lot of family were here. And there, you know, as as everyone listening knows that I have a number of non affirming family members. And so this was kind of the first time in a while that we were all together. And it was a little bit of an experiment. And so it was interesting to watch how each of us handled it and and approached different conversations, and just the general, their presence in our house. And all six of us were here, and all six of us approached it differently. And Connor approached it with fight. And it was so interesting. And at the same time, like, you know, I was actually super proud of him, because he, he stayed in his lane, he stood up for himself. And he said things that maybe he wouldn't have said in a in an other, you know, another situation. But I know in his brain that this was very activating for him. And so this is how he was handling it was taking on a person and really like, standing his ground for who He was. And I kind of watched the whole thing happen, I was like, that was actually a really effective use of mine. And then was able to kind of, you know, the next day we we did a whole debrief on everybody's different ways. They handled a family, they were activated and how they felt it, you know, but I think talking about like, where are you? Where did you feel it in your body? Like, how did this affect you? Or how did this affect you. And even if it, you know, wasn't a perfect way of handling something, it was acknowledging it and talking about it and talking about like cash, I'd really like to feel this way, when this person is around. And it was such a powerful conversation. And it's

Kelly Lubeck: 00:33:03

amazing Heather, kind of, okay, I just want to pull out a few different things, and hopefully, I'm gonna remember them all. So when I just want to say, fight is a healthy response, we are, again, the flow of the nervous system, like the river flowing. A healthy nervous system is be able to move between these different places, right, we have built into our animal bodies, our capacity to fight our capacity to flee and our capacity to freeze. And we, again, I don't mean to keep like putting it off for another conversation. I just don't want to go down rabbit holes, but, but having each of these different things show up in our nervous system is actually really important. And the fact that Conor has fight in him, and especially after the experience, he has walked his initial story, as you tell it in the book is one of flight, he runs away. Literally he flees in terror. Right? And so now he has this like, vibrant fight response. What an amazing thing. Now, that doesn't mean go out and beat the shit out of somebody. But having a healthy response where you're like, hold the phone, we're going to talk through this not right, like, right, that's actually really powerful. And this was

Heather Hester: 00:34:23

verbal. I mean, this was not a physical, right. Like, I just want to make that clear. He was having a well articulated verbal discussion, highly animated discussion with somebody that he did not raise. He did not flee from he did hit ground. And I was like, yes. Oh,

Kelly Lubeck: 00:34:42

totally. Yeah. And just just to be clear, I heard that I just want to make sure it doesn't sound like I'm saying, you know, go beat somebody up, for sure.

Heather Hester: 00:34:51

Make sure everybody's on the same page. They're

Kelly Lubeck: 00:34:53

able to have like being in his own center and having the capacity to make a well founded argument. and fight back. Like that's really powerful. And then what I also want to say is, each of you having your own experience, like what a beautiful thing for you to observe. And again, I want to normalize, we all have different ways that we spoke. And we all also have different ways that would be kind of default, some of us are more fine, some of us are more fleece, I'm less or more freeze. And as we heal and work with the nervous system, we expand our capacity to engage all of those, right? So just I love that you were able to take a step back and really observe, which to me speaks so much to how much you have grown your capacity, like how wide and deep your river is, Heather, because if you imagine how many years ago was like, currently about seven, eight years ago, so when he came out, if you imagine like Steve, your nervous system, then and state of your nervous system now, like, you were so deep in it, and having your own experience, and like very much a survival, survival mode, which is, again, really important, but it's much harder to see. Yes, and you are in a state where you have a healthy and resilient nervous system, you can see the patterns differently. And so you're noticing in your family, oh, wow, we all have these different patterns. So I just want to acknowledge that really speaks to a wide and deep river, and how much you have grown that which is amazing. And then I think the other area is just to say, with all of this, it's really important to normalize these relationships. It's so easy to pathologize people for the experience that they're having. This is one of my favorite things that I teach everything from like, deep, you know, D pathologizing is not the right word. Sure,

Heather Hester: 00:36:50

if we're gonna make that a word, yes, I like it for D stigmatizing.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:36:55

And I like deep pathologizing, like, the pathology of anxiety, of low mood of Panic of, of the fight, like when we actually break it down to the biology. There's, it's not it's not pathological. It's actually just a, it's a learned pattern, a learned response that has happened that can be healed. And so this isn't something to stigmatize, it's actually something to kind of, I always think of it as, you know, if you're with your screaming toddler, and you like, try to shake them or scare them or shove them in a room like actually doesn't, like it doesn't work, they don't learn the things they need to learn. If you scoop them up, and you say, Hey, baby, this is really hard. I see you're really upset. And you have a right to be upset. And this is the way it's gonna go. Like they'll learn, right? And, but none of us can be you know, I say the toddler example. But all of us have this all of us have, like the unheard toddler in us where, you know, I know, as an adult, there have been plenty of times where I'm like, I'm having a dead or like, inner tantrum. And I just want someone to hear me, right. Don't we all have those?

Heather Hester: 00:38:08

Oh, my gosh, yes.

Kelly Lubeck: 00:38:12

So in that, it's like, the most potent thing is to actually have someone hear you and see you. Right. I mean, I think it's part of the success of your podcast, it's like people feel seen and feel heard like, all of us need that is a very, is actually nervous system. It is the love and connection part of our nervous system that needs that because being feeling seen and heard and accepted, is part of oh, I just, I just got another one we're supposed to be, like feeling seen and heard and accepted. Like, that is the work of our nervous system that developed with us living in in community and collective in tribes. Right, and to be cast out of the tribe is a very, very dysregulated thing. So if we just bring that full circle back to who our people are, that we're talking to here, like, we need more than ever to make sure that our kids feel seen and heard and accepted. And then includes the parents feeling seen and heard and accepted. And that, again, get back to the nervous system is actually part of what allows us to walk in the world in a healthy and whole and complete filling way. Yes.

Heather Hester: 00:39:34

And I think just to kind of to wrap this up today, because there are so many different directions. Oh, and I think we have like four more episodes, but just that acknowledging and naming that you are not broken. There. This is not something that's, you know, you need to fix there. It's just it's something that I can be healed. It is something that each one of us have our own version of nervous system work and healing that we can do. And so I think there's so much it's so empowering to know, oh, gosh, this is something I can actually do something, I can actually actively do something about this. So I can feel better. And I can be a better me, which then allows you to be a better you out in the world, right?

Kelly Lubeck: 00:40:32

That are apparent better.

Heather Hester: 00:40:35

All the things. So, okay, yes. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. So get so y'all got a taste of the nervous system today. Kelly will be back, we will be having several more conversations over the next few months. So I can't wait for you to hear more. That's where we're going to end for today. Is there anything that you would like to share, such as where people can find you if they would like to get in touch with you directly?

Kelly Lubeck: 00:41:08

Sure. So two things. One, I just want to share my favorite expression that I put in all of my love notes and newsletters, and what have you noticed that the world needs you? Well, and that term came to me years ago. And I realized, as I was writing it every single newsletter that it just was, the truth of it was just becoming more and more true in my body. And what's held in those words of the world needs you well is the better than the more regulated, the healthier our nervous systems, the more capacity we have, the wider and deeper our rivers are, the better, we can show up for our loved ones for our kids, our partners, our colleagues, our clients are our patients, if you're a health care person, our our community members and the world, the stronger the better we are and the more resilient we are, the better we can show up in the world and the world right now. Really needs as well. And so I that's the one piece I want to leave with. And then you can find me at KellyLubeck.com. And that's k e l l y l u b e c k.com. I sure that I'm sure that'll be in the show notes. And, and yeah, I would love to welcome you into my community and sign up for my love notes and to hear different stories and experiences and tips and tidbits. And you'll be invited to different programs or retreats that I'm leaving. And I just want to say thank you, Heather. This has been so fun. It's so wonderful to connect with you. And yes, we got to talk about

Heather Hester: 00:42:45

it now. Always. Thank you so so much. I'm glad we made this happen and I can't wait to continue it. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. A quick reminder that my brand new book, parenting with pride is now available wherever books are sold. It is also available in ereader and audiobook format. Click on the link in the show notes to buy it right this second or to send it to a friend. If just breathe means something to you, it would mean so much to me. If you would take 30 seconds to do two things. First, please follow or subscribe to the show. Just click on the plus sign or the word follow wherever you listen to your podcasts. And second, if you would be willing to share a five star rating and review I'd be so grateful. It isn't just a nice thing for others to read. It actually helps this podcast get in front of those who need it most. I appreciate you being part of the just breathe community. Big hugs to you all. Until next time.