How to Be a Good Ally (Encore)

Heather Hester: 00:00:11

Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast, transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath. And know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the just breathe nets. Whether today's show is an amazing guest, or me sharing stories, resources, strategies or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having cosy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Heather Hester: 00:01:13

Well, welcome to Just Breathe, I am so happy that you are here today. It is the last Tuesday of June and my last episode for Pride Month 2022. And it has just been so much fun doing all of the different episodes that I've I've done for this month, as well as the social media that I hope you've all had a chance to check out. My daughter Isabel actually helped me a lot with this. And every day of this month that we have featured somebody who has had, who has just made it so much easier for our kids who has done something special who has been an advocate who has been an activist who has just made their mark for the LGBTQIA plus community in a way that needs to be recognized. And so some people have been people that you would expect to see in a list like this, others we just had so much fun learning about. So I do hope that you enjoyed it. And if you haven't seen it yet have a chance to enjoy it. So I thought it would be great to end this month with an episode on how to be a good ally. I have done this topic before. And I believe a couple of years ago, actually, and I have added a lot to it, and expanded it a great deal. So I really thought it would be just that it was important to do it again and to offer some some new insight and some new thoughts on the topic. And it's something that I feel like, you know, we're kind of all wanting to learn about and continue learning about So anyway, I as I talk about this topic, it is one that I feel like I talk about a lot and in different ways. And I think kind of my my, one of my favorite topics to discuss outside of you know how you can best support your child when they came come out. But as I was looking up, things that I really wanted to share specifically today, I came across a quote that I thought was rather timely, and I wanted to share it with you all. J Dodd said, Ally ship is not showing the world how good you are being it is showing the world how backwards it is. I again believe this is very timely. But it's also even more than that it is a chance for us to really recognize that it is extraordinarily vital for us to put differences aside and to advocate for each other's basic human rights. And remember that that is what a lot of these issues boil down to. It's easy to get stuck in the weeds, it's easy to get really wound up about different specific things that are said. But really just kind of listening to that keeping that in mind taking that to heart. So in a broad term, many of the ideas that I have today the suggestions that I'm going to make about being a good ally can cross over to being a good ally for any group, any person. But I'm going to talk about them today specific with, specifically with regard to the LGBTQIA community and LGBTQIA people. So who can be an ally? Right? That's one of the big questions who can do this? Well, it's, it's anyone who knows and cares about an LGBTQIA person. For some, being an ally is as easy as breathing, right? It's just a no brainer. For others. It's something that you want to do, and you feel compelled to do. But it takes intentional effort. Wherever you are on that continuum, you are showing up for the person or the people you care about in a very meaningful way. So I want to start out with a definition of ally because I love words, you know that. And I thought this would be a great way to kind of get a base understanding of what an ally is. According to Merriam Webster, it is a person or a group that provides assistance and support and an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle. So my addition to that is specific to the LGBTQIA community, it is a straight and or cisgender person who has a genuine strong concern for their well being one who supports and affirms LGBTQIA people, and advocates for equal rights, and is also someone with in the community, for example, a bisexual person who is an ally to non binary people, you may be an expert on your own identity, or your own orientation, and yet know very little about others under the LGBTQIA plus umbrella, or how to be an ally to other marginalized communities. So this really can is for everyone, right? I mean, that's kind of what it boils down to. So I really want you to take a moment right now, you can pause this and really think about what being a good ally means to you. In this moment, what is your definition that you have in your head? I also believe that an ally is one who confronts challenges that LGBTQIA plus people experience and believes that they are societal, for example, heterosexism, or hetero normativity, which is what we learned about a few weeks ago from Chris Tompkins. Right? Such a great learning opportunity, and just so much to think about, but both of those in different ways are the assumption that everyone is or should be straight. Another example of this is by prejudice, harmful preconceived ideas about bisexual people. And I'd also like to add to that false misinformed, right? At the base of all of this, what is it we all know? Fear. In a broad sense, allies can help validate a cause. They can be a cultural bridge, they can model what is possible. However, an ally is not an identity. I want to repeat that, because many think that the a, an LGBTQ i A plus stands for ally and it does not. Ally is not an identity. It is a label. And I'd actually like to state that take that one step further. And say it is a verb. When we think of ally ship in terms of the actions we can take to support an advocate, it automatically removes that ego, right that that need to have a label or have a like, I am part of this and really just kind of move into that action that doing this What I am doing to help removes that ego and falls in line. With that. Why is old adage actions speak louder than words? Furthermore, Ally is just, it's more personal. So the big question is, how can we be the best possible ally to our kids, our grandkids, or nieces or nephews, our friends, our students, our co workers, whomever, right? You name it, how can we be the best possible ally.

Heather Hester: 00:10:37

So, as usual, I have found lots of amazing information. And I have, you know, lots of research that I've already done that I've kind of tapped into. And so I thought it might be even though I've expanded a lot on my original podcast episode, I still thought it would be helpful to keep this as more of a how to be a good ally, 101. And let this be information that is kind of a starting point for you. So you can just grab what resonates with you and research more from there run with it. Additionally, for simplicity, I summarize this for you into eight ways anyone can be an ally. And then at the very end, we're going to talk about how to handle or how to answer some really typical questions that you may get as an ally. So, here are the eight ways that anyone can be a good ally. First, be a good listener ASAN, be present, see, and hear the person who is speaking to you. Now, I know you hear that and you think, got it, you say that all the time, however. And we all have the intention of listening, right, we think we are listening. But really being able to be an active listener, present and a conversation takes effort. And, and it takes being quite intentional, which, for those of you who can do this naturally, bravo. I know, for me, it took a lot, a lot of work. And there are still times where I'm like, I'm so tired. But it is really super meaningful. When you can be present, when you can see and hear that person who is speaking to you, when you can really create that space between the two of you where there is true, deep understanding. So of course, this takes work, right? This is, in some cases work, getting to the place where you believe that all people, regardless of sexual orientation, or gender identity, should be treated with dignity and respect. But do the work, do the work. Another part of this is knowing what to say and what not to say when someone comes out to you. So I'm just going to give you a few examples. And these might be quite obvious. And I would like as I'm doing this, I'm sure you can think of a bunch more as I'm saying them but these are the ones I just felt this was kind of an important thing to say and why. So when someone comes out to you, here are a few things you can say that are wonderful to say. Congratulations, I'm so happy for you. Or you can say thank you for trusting me enough to let me know the things that you don't want to say. And I share these because you know which ones of these I've done first and foremost, are you sure you know the reasons why. Just don't do it. Another one not to say is this might be a face again. As with Are you sure the person who is sharing this information with you has likely been thinking about this for weeks, months. You years, they are sure it is not a phase, regardless of their age. And the final one is, when did you decide this? Again, with this one, it's the word decide, not a decision. It would be like me asking anyone out there who is straight, when did you decide to be straight? When? When did I decide to be? You know, a cisgender, straight white woman, not something I decided, right? So, likewise, someone who was sharing with you their sexual orientation or gender identity, not a decision. So I'm sure you can add your own to this. And, you know, we could of course, probably spend an entire episode on that, but to keep moving. I want to encourage you to not be afraid to ask questions. It is good to be curious and to want to learn. And in that curiosity, just remember to be respectful. And asking your questions and being curious and and think about, you know, your wording, think about your audience. Think about your where you are at the time that you are asking these. Additionally, in this work, challenge stereotypes, as well as your own unconscious bias. Educate yourself on LGBTQIA, history, issues, policies, adversity, have conversations with LGBTQIA plus people and learn about their experiences. Do not be afraid of making mistakes, it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen, you are human, and it's part of the learning experience. This is something that Conor always reminds me that it is much better to make a mistake while trying than to just stay silent. And trust me, I still make mistakes on a daily basis. And I've just gotten better at picking myself up and continuing to move on. So, the next point and this kind of leads into the next point, which is get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I know I say this one a lot, it applies here too, you are learning all new information. If you are the type of person who is working to shift your mindset, or if you are confronting your own previously held prejudices or biases, this education is going to be uncomfortable. That is okay. Breathe through that discomfort and allow yourself the space and time to process what you are learning. Embrace that you will make those mistakes, you are human, the goal is not to be perfect. It is for all to be free to live authentically. The next one is to hold shared secrets, meaning do not out people or share their orientation or identity with others. It is not your story to share. To build on that one a little bit of in case it's not super clear. If someone has confided in you their sexual orientation and or their gender identity. That is they are trusting you with that information. That is not your information now to share with someone else that is your information trusted and information to hold on to. And it can be in the case of having a child share this information with you. Such as when Connor came out to us. Many, many conversations. And it's a great conversation starter for thank you for sharing this with us. And then as we moved, you know, days and weeks and months, you know Who do you want to share this information with? Who would you like for us to share this information with? Who do you want us to be there with you know, with you when you share that information? So it just opens you know, opens the door for really great conversations as well. The next one is a big one. It's a Speak up, online, in person, speak up. Social media, of course, is one way to do this. Probably the easiest way to show ally ship.

Heather Hester: 00:20:13

You can also do it by volunteering, you can volunteer online, you can volunteer in person. And you can show solidarity online as well as in person. But I have a few ways that you can volunteer, show that ally ship by volunteering. And again, this can be done in person, or online. I talk about a lot of these organizations a lot, but they are a great place to get started, and can even help guide you if you're looking for something that is more specific to your community, what your community might have available. If you cannot find something outright, starting with one of these larger organizations may help you find something may help you even start something. So here's my list. And you can find all of these on my website if you want more information. But I laid off with the Trevor Project, you know how much I love them. Gilson is another one, and I don't talk about them enough. But what their mission is, is to create safe and affirming schools for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, their gender identity or their gender expression. Another wonderful one is the Tyler Clemente Foundation. And then of course HRC, which is the Human Rights Campaign, PFLAG, it gets better. And sage, which is one that I sometimes forget about what I'm talking about. But it's a really, really important one because it is a national organization that offers supportive services and consumer resources to older LGBTQIA people and their caregivers. So really lovely one there to check out. Showing up as an ally in real life is a privilege. And it can also feel really uncomfortable. But it is something that is so important to do and the more that you do it like anything, the the easier it's going to get right the more that you'll find your what wording you'll find your footing. But here are a few situations that you might find yourself in or a few ways that you can really show up as a great ally. In situations where someone is using slurs or insensitive language, speak up. It doesn't have to be an argument. It can be very calm, it can be calmly saying that's not okay. Please don't use that word. Or please don't use that phrase. Again, I know this can be awkward, especially at the beginning. But making others are aware that their words can be hurtful is a step toward effecting change. Another one and kind of similar is respectfully correcting others if they miss gender, someone. So this can be done very much with sincerity it can be done with the spirit of educating others. And I really truly believe that people want in a general sense, there are more people who really want to be kind and just don't know any better. So by offering this information in a kind way, and a gentle way, not only shows the person that you're with, that you have their back, that you are a solid, trustworthy ally. It also shows the people that you are talking to that this can be done very respectfully. And learning doesn't have to be scary or crazy or radical or whatever other words you want to use, right. be inclusive. Be aware of opportunities to increase connection and decrease isolation which is something that's been really big over the past few years. This is also a really important skill to instill in your children as they learn to connect with others and be aware of others. promote diversity in your workplace. Diversity, Equity and Inclusion is rightly becoming very important to many companies. If your company already has a de i Group, find out how to get involved if they don't see what you can do to start one. And the last one, I share with some caveats, especially as we are ending Pride Month 2022. I love love, love seeing people in pride gear when I'm out and about, it just makes me smile it. It makes me happy. And I of course have my own favorite things that I wear my favorite T shirts, I have my favorite hats that I wear throughout the year. Here's where my caveat is, there's a fine line. I think it is so important that LGBTQIA plus people dress authentically dress to express who they are. And it is important to be aware of rainbow capitalism, and only purchase from companies who truly support LGBTQIA plus people. So I was saying this the other day to another group. And a great question came up, which is how do we know? How do we know who supports LGBTQI people and who doesn't. And my answer to that was a couple of ways. First, a lot of these companies will have right on their website. If they are supporting the Trevor Project, or it gets better, or P flag or HRC. Any of these, they'll have it right there, they want you to know and you can follow that through to make sure that that is accurate. Right. You can also do it the other way around, which is get on the website of whatever your you know, your favorite organizations are. And a lot of times, especially during June, they will list out the companies who they recommend who are supporting them, who they you know are giving kind of the the thumbs up to. So those are two easy ways to do that. The next way to be a good ally is to support the quality. Educate yourself about policies that protect LGBTQIA plus people from discrimination within your workplace, discrimination at your kids schools, within your community, and so on. So this is a really, really big one. And one that is really, as we all know, coming under fire in many, many ways across our country, and different states and you know is certainly worth a much longer conversation than a 32nd bit here. Find out what the policies are at your kids school, find out what the policies are in your community, in your county, in your state. And really, that's a great starting place to know where things are and where you can support and where you can speak up or volunteer. The next one is learn the language. It's respectful, first of all, and it reflects your desire to be an ally when you use the right words and the right pronouns. Never assume someone's sexual orientation or gender identity. Ask if you're unsure. And if it's appropriate. My website has a basic glossary that you can go to and look at. And in a few weeks, I will be rolling out an in depth workshop on the language of LGBTQIA plus what words mean and how to use them appropriately. If this is something you are interested in, please, I have a link in the notes, the show notes click on that link. And I will make sure that you get information as soon as I roll this course out. Another way that you can just be aware or you may hear this going on around you especially from your kids. It's this is something I learned first of course from my kids, which was a few years ago, Connor started using the word y'all. Now, we're from the Chicago area. We don't use that word here. Not that I have anything against it at all. In fact, I quite like it. I think it sounds very warm and inviting. But that's just no at how we speak up north, right?

Heather Hester: 00:30:02

We have always used the words like you guys, or ladies and gentlemen. So I finally asked him, you know, why he switched and started using that. And he said, because it's inclusive of everyone, I was like, Oh my gosh, of course, that makes so much sense. So kind of putting all of that together, I've always had this like, it sounds inviting, right, it sounds welcoming. And it's inclusive. So you can use y'all, and no one is going to feel left out. So if you don't already use y'all, it's going to take a little work, I still go off and say, you know, you guys or whatever. But I am slowly making the shift. And it's worth it. And it's actually quite fun. So I highly recommend this. Finally, offer financial support, if you are able, any LGBTQIA plus nonprofit would be delighted with your support. And believe it or not a $5 donation does make a difference. So consider hopping on the website before the end of this month especially and supporting your favorite favorite nonprofit. So here is just here are I should say a few questions that you will probably get as an ally. And, and just a few suggestions on ways you can answer them. I know it can be tricky. It can be again, it can be uncomfortable, but kind of knowing ahead of time what might be coming your way. You know, really thinking about why it is you believe what you believe and why it is that you are an ally, will really help you form your answers and help you come up with the words that sound the most like you. But I thought I would throw these out there for you just to give you just to kind of get you started. So the first statement is I thought we were in a good place with LGBTQIA plus rights and inclusion. So depending on where you live, this may seem like a fair question or a fair statement. Or it may seem like it's very far from the truth, right. This is a very geographical type statement. Here is why it is actually the ladder and why allies are desperately needed. LGBTQIA plus individuals do not have legal protection on a federal level in the United States. And many states there are still widespread discrimination meaning you can lose your job. You can not qualify for housing funding or lose your housing. You can have service refused to you at a restaurant or retail store. And the examples go on and on. And other countries around the world being LGBTQ i A plus is a crime punishable by prison. And in some cases, death. It can also be helpful to approach this statement by showing examples of what a straight cisgender person can do that are often exponentially more difficult for an LGBTQIA person. So using myself as an example, I can go to the bathroom pretty much anywhere I am I have no problem finding a bathroom, I can hold hands with my husband in public and nobody bats an eye. I can go to any er anywhere and receive respectful medical care. And I can see representation of myself and books and stories in history that is taught in movies and other media. Right. So think about that. The next one that you might hear or be asked is I treat everyone the same What's wrong with that? So while this one is really frustrating, I do actually believe that it's coming from a place of kindness. And a lot of cases, it's just one that needs gentle education. There are two ways to help people understand why this is, at best, not helpful. And at worst, incredibly offensive. The first way is educating others about the difference between equality and equity. The most effective way to show this is by using personal stories, your own personal stories, right. But defining the term also works. So here you go. equality means everyone is getting the same. But this only works if everyone has started in the same place. And or everyone has the same needs. Equity means every individual has or is given what they need to succeed or live happily to the difference. The second way to illustrate this is more conversational, discussing how all humans have different identities, different beliefs, different abilities, different life experiences, and different needs. And they don't necessarily want to be treated the same as everyone else. There's a lot of different in there, right? So this becomes more about seeing people on an individual or human level, and recognizing and respecting needs. And there are so many ways you can illustrate this. But you know, one that is just very common is you know, thinking about how you might respect someone coming into your home, who has a food allergy, right? You have someone coming over for dinner, you're having a dinner party, and one of your friends has a peanut allergy. Now, would you serve peanut chicken for dinner? Probably not. Right? It is the same thing. It is the same thing. So it's just respecting individual needs. The next one that I'm going to share is a little bit triggering. For me, it's a little bit hard, but I know that it's one I've seen pop up dozens of times this month, and I just really felt that it was important to address and that is, why isn't there a straight pride parade. So this one is the reason it is triggering as because it is part of one of the final conversations I had with my brother three years ago. And that is a story for another day. But it kind of falls into that same category as questions like, where's my special safe place? Or why should LGBTQIA plus people get special rights? And so on? So here's a few ways you can answer these type of questions. First, straight pride happens every day. Meaning straight and cisgender people see themselves represented everywhere, all of the time, in art, and film, incorporate right life and awards and inventions. An LGBTQ i A plus child can go through a typical K through 12 curricula, and think that no LGBTQIA person has ever done anything of note or contributed to society in any way. And as we all know, there are those who are unfortunately, actively working to make sure that never happens. There's answer number one. Number two LGBTQIA people are not seeking special rights. They're seeking human rights. The rights that many take completely for granted, or worse, abused to keep themselves in power. Human rights

Heather Hester: 00:39:40

the next when a child or teenager is bullied about race or religion. They typically have their parents to turn to for support and helpful suggestions because their parents have probably been through similar situations, right. However, Parents and family members can sometimes be an additional source of stress or harm for an LGBTQIA plus child or teenager, leaving them with no one and no place to go. As we all know and have talked about many, many times, the rates for suicide and suicide attempts are significantly higher for LGBTQIA adolescents, teens and young adults than they are for their straight cisgender peers. Having even one safe person or safe place for LGBTQIA plus children, or teens literally saves lives. Remember that being an ally is both a noun and a verb. Education and shifting take time. You will make mistakes and those around you will make mistakes but it is far far better to make those mistakes and keep moving forward than to not try at all our kids. And the LGBTQIA plus community need us. Thank you so much for being here today and listening in. If you would like more information about my LGBTQIA language workshop, click on the link in the show notes. And I will make sure that you get on the list. Until next time.

Heather Hester: 00:41:36

Thanks so much for joining me today. If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or review. Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website, chrysalismama.com to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me. Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone. And remember to just breathe. Until next time