Episode 95
Navigating Your Body: Insights from a Somatic Sex Educator
In a compelling episode of Just Breathe, Court Vox engages the hosts in a candid exploration of sexuality and intimacy, emphasizing the vital role these elements play in our overall wellness. The conversation begins with Vox recounting his personal journey into the field of sex education and intimacy consulting, revealing how his early experiences with sexuality were shaped by an open and accepting household. This background allowed him to develop a unique perspective on the importance of body acceptance and the exploration of desires in a judgment-free environment. The hosts and Vox discuss the ongoing stigma surrounding sexual topics, highlighting how traditional therapeutic approaches often overlook the significance of physical connection and somatic practices in fostering self-acceptance and intimacy.
As the discussion progresses, the trio delves into the idea of pleasure as an essential aspect of mental health, encouraging listeners to embrace their sexuality as a natural and fulfilling part of life. Vox articulates the concept of somatic education as a means to reconnect individuals with their bodies, facilitating a deeper understanding of their desires and boundaries. This approach not only aids in personal growth but also enhances relationships with partners and friends, promoting a culture of consent and communication. The episode serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of open dialogue about sexuality, encouraging listeners to confront their own beliefs and biases while fostering a greater understanding of diverse sexual identities.
Towards the end of the episode, the conversation shifts to the experiences of parents navigating the complexities of raising LGBTQ children. Vox emphasizes the critical need for parents to create supportive and safe environments that allow for open conversations about sexuality and identity. He advocates for a shift in perspective, suggesting that coming out does not have to be a monumental event but rather an organic part of living one’s truth. By promoting acceptance and understanding, parents can help their children thrive in their identities. The episode concludes on a hopeful note, reminding listeners that the journey toward embracing one’s sexuality and identity is both personal and shared, filled with opportunities for growth, healing, and connection.
Takeaways:
- Court Vox emphasizes the importance of bodily autonomy and self-exploration in understanding sexuality.
- The conversation around sex is often shrouded in shame, yet it’s critical for wellness.
- Creating a safe space for individuals to explore their sexual identities is essential.
- Somatic education focuses on body-based experiences, promoting healing through touch and awareness.
- Parents should prioritize their own self-care to effectively support their children’s journeys.
- The discussion of gender should evolve to encompass a spectrum rather than a binary.
Links referenced in this episode:
About our Guest:
Court Vox is a Certified Sex & Intimacy Coach Surrogate Partner Intern, and Sacred Intimate based in Los Angeles CA . He is a member of the World Association of Sex Coaches, Founder of The Bodyvox, and Co-Founder of SQUIRM. He is a guide for a vast spectrum of individuals and those in relationship/s seeking more in their erotic and intimate lives. When it comes to human connection and sexuality, some are beginning their journey while others have been pursuing erotic education and experiences for years. Court works gently with first-timers, as well as offers uncommon experiences to some of the world's most well known sex educators and change-makers across multiple fields and disciplines. Court has become known for offering private, highly customized, exclusive experiences and travels extensively hosting and teaching workshops for all bodies, genders, and orientations. Court is also part of an elite team of sex educators that create the celebrated program for women, Back to the Body, which runs retreats all across the globe.
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Transcript
Welcome back to Just Breathe.
Host:I am so happy you are here and really, really excited to bring you another great interview.
Host:I know I always say that, but honestly, I feel so lucky that I get to interview so many really, really interesting human beings and I always get just excited to bring them to you.
Host:So today's guest is going to talk about a topic that I know that we are all curious about and all have questions about and perhaps don't always know how to ask these questions or who to ask these questions of.
Host:So I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled to bring you Court Vox, who provides personal guidance and expertise in the unique and often ignored areas of sexual he is a trained sex and intimacy consultant, surrogate partner, intern and sacred intimate founder of his practice, the Body Vox.
Host:He brings professional opportunities for his clients to learn about and embrace their bodies and those of others.
Host:Sex, the thing that the world is now acknowledging as so important for our general wellness, our mental health, and indeed our lives in general, is on the agenda.
Host:While much progress has been made, it is still too often a taboo subject.
Host:Court serves as the counselor of our times, breaking down the walls of shame and anxiety around intimacy and sex.
Host:Traditional forms of therapy are done through talk.
Host:The work of a somatic sex educator is to further this work via touch and body based experiences and comfortable judgment free and safe environments.
Host:Body acceptance, exploration of sensation and desires and learning how to ask for you want or what you want.
Host:Boundary setting and intimacy work are some of the many reasons clients seek this form of therapy.
Host:Fox is a sex educator experienced working with clients of all sexualities and genders.
Host:He continues to collaborate with fellow sex educator Pamela Madsen for workshops around the country and without further ado, I am absolutely delighted to bring you Court Fox.
Heather Hester:Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting your LGBTQ the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.
Heather Hester:My name is Heather Hester and I am so grateful you are here.
Heather Hester:I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest.
Heather Hester:Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat.
Heather Hester:Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
Co-Host:Welcome back to Just Breathe.
Co-Host:I am so happy you all are here with us today.
Co-Host:I am really excited to welcome Court Vox here today with us on the show this is a conversation I've been really excited to have and I've been looking forward to this interview and I think all of you are really going to enjoy this.
Co-Host:So buckle your seatbelts, get a piece of paper, start taking notes because there's good stuff.
Co-Host:So I'm just going to start right out of the box.
Co-Host:Why sex?
Co-Host:Why did you choose this as your topic and what made you want to hone in on this?
Court Vox:Well, I didn't choose sex as my topic.
Court Vox:I chose sex and intimacy as my career path.
Court Vox:So why did I choose this?
Court Vox:You know, I ask myself that question sometimes because it's not a, it's not a, it's not an easy business to navigate.
Court Vox:I joke sometimes, like, why didn't I choose to be a breathwork specialist or, or a yoga practitioner?
Court Vox:I could have walked in the world so much easier.
Court Vox:There's still so much shame and stigma around, around sex.
Court Vox:And it comes out in kind of divisive ways.
Court Vox:In running my business, more of the things that are in the back end of how I'm treated by institutions of banking and things like that, the social media, marketing, advertising, those are all things that are very challenging for me to do so.
Court Vox:But that is probably for another podcast.
Co-Host:Yes, those are the things you don't think about, right?
Court Vox:Yeah.
Court Vox:But why did, why did I choose this field?
Court Vox:I, I really feel like I was called to this field.
Court Vox:It wasn't something that I, I chose quickly.
Court Vox:I probably spent the majority of my 30s really kind of easing into this.
Court Vox:I have always been very sexual and very erotic.
Court Vox:I remember my first kind of sexual experience at the age of four with my friend who was also four.
Court Vox:And I remember being very active sexually in terms of like self pleasuring.
Court Vox:And my, my mother was very open about self pleasuring.
Court Vox:She just asked that we go to our room and do it in a private space.
Court Vox:But it was never shamed, it was never talked about in a way that was like, don't do that.
Court Vox:There was always books in my house around sex and, you know, where babies come from and how it happens.
Court Vox:And it was always a discussion.
Court Vox:And I think the way that I view my body and my sexuality is in great, you know, I owe great respect to my mother for that.
Court Vox:But to kind of move on.
Court Vox:You know, I came out when I was 19, when I came to LA, I went to UCLA and you know, my 20s, I feel like I was in a relationship for the majority of the time, time.
Court Vox:And I didn't really get to explore my sexuality as much as I did in my 30s and in my 30s, you know, it was sort of this progression into kind of an exploration of self and then kind of noticing that I had a capacity to meet a lot of different people and a lot of different body types and enjoy that and also help people kind of move past some of the things that they were kind of shameful about or didn't want to talk about, including like desires and even just being with somebody.
Court Vox:Right.
Court Vox:So I feel like I was called to it.
Court Vox:I.
Court Vox:I studied shibari rope bondage.
Court Vox:I started studying shabari rope on it.
Court Vox:I'm still a student that.
Court Vox:And I was in like a group class and I needed a practice partner.
Court Vox:And one of the women in the class said, I will be your.
Court Vox:Your practice body.
Court Vox:And she just happened to be a psychotherapist that dealt with the nervous system.
Court Vox:And I said, you know, I really would like to get out of the career that I'm in now, which was corporate.
Court Vox:And she said, what do you want to do?
Court Vox:And I said, I think I want to be a sex therapist, but not one that talks to people.
Court Vox:One that like helps people figure things out through their body and body based exercises and experiences.
Court Vox:And I said, I don't think it exists.
Court Vox:And she said, have you heard of sexological bodywork?
Court Vox:And so that kind of sent me on a path where I studied for two, two and a half years.
Court Vox:I also became a surrogate partner during that time and studied other things.
Court Vox:And then, you know, as soon as I kind of graduated, I left corporate and then I joined a company called Back to the Body, which runs sensual retreats for women around the world.
Court Vox:And I've kind of never stopped.
Court Vox:So that's, that's sort of how I came.
Court Vox:That's the long story.
Co-Host:That's good.
Co-Host:No, I think it's hard to be.
Co-Host:Hard to tell that in a short way.
Co-Host:I think that was.
Co-Host:It's something that, you know, people want to know and I think people are afraid to ask.
Co-Host:Right to your point.
Co-Host:Any talking about sex can be.
Co-Host:A lot of people are very embarrassed to do so and ask the questions they really want to ask.
Co-Host:So that's why I was like, this is.
Co-Host:I want that to be this space today.
Co-Host:What are the questions that people would want to ask you but might be afraid to ask you or be embarrassed to know you talk about?
Co-Host:You use the word somatic.
Co-Host:And I would love if you could define that and talk about what that means, because I think that's just a word that we're not very familiar with and we don't use on a daily basis?
Court Vox:Yeah, thank you for asking.
Court Vox:Somatic means of the body so unlike a traditional coach or therapist that just works with talking talk therapy, for the most part, my work really facilitates learning through body based exercises, experiential learning and touch.
Court Vox:You know, so there's a couple different kind of veins of somatics, but it's getting back to our bodies, getting back to noticing.
Court Vox:Noticing the wisdom that we carry within ourselves and our culture and our society has pushed us so far from that knowing that it's almost like we have to relearn, relearn the wisdom of our own bodies and listen.
Court Vox:And so my work is really centered around that as much as it is connecting with sexuality and eros.
Co-Host:And you do this in typically a group setting or is this something that you do kind of one on one or couple on one?
Co-Host:How is this work done?
Co-Host:What is.
Co-Host:How would one engage with you in this process?
Court Vox:Yeah, I work with all bodies and teachings.
Court Vox:I run group workshops and retreats for queer men.
Court Vox:And like I said, I work for a company called Back to the Body that runs retreat for predominantly CIS het women.
Court Vox:And I also work with couples, queer couples and straight couples.
Court Vox:I work with women, but I work with women differently than I work with men privately.
Court Vox:I also do private immersion with clients, mostly with queer men.
Court Vox:When I work with straight women, I work with a female practitioner or therapist as a third party to help guide and to help triage with the client.
Court Vox:And we work as a team in that way.
Co-Host:Okay, that's really cool.
Co-Host:I'm just kind of going out of order of how.
Co-Host:But I'm so intrigued by this because I'll get around to the other things.
Co-Host:But this is so fascinating to me and kind of on the same subject, like most of I just thinking about, you know, a lot of my friends, a lot of, you know, people, women especially my age, were not.
Co-Host:We didn't ever talk about this growing up.
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:Like, we weren't raised typically in homes where sex was ever talked about.
Co-Host:And if it was, it was very much in a shameful way.
Co-Host:Like that's shameful or that's not to be discussed or just, I don't know, I'm just wondering your words of wisdom for, you know, what do you kind of initially say to women as they come from this type of background, really to help them kind of get out of it?
Co-Host:Because a lot of that's like headspace, right?
Co-Host:So to get out of their heads and move into kind of relearning their body.
Court Vox:So I'm Going to name that.
Court Vox:When I speak around women's sexuality and health and wellness, I.
Court Vox:I feel a level of cringiness in myself.
Court Vox:And I want to name that because I certainly don't want to tell women as a masculine identifying body, I don't want to tell women how to be.
Court Vox:So I just want to name that.
Court Vox:That women's bodies are your bodies.
Court Vox:Right?
Court Vox:And I think that's.
Court Vox:That's the most important thing to identify is bodily autonomy.
Court Vox:And so much of the experience of women is that their bodies are not their own and that they are witnessed and seen through the lens of the masculine, through the lens of men.
Court Vox:And how women are supposed to present, how they're supposed to behave is for the masculine, is for men, right?
Court Vox:And so when you can sort of untangle that, the question becomes, who am I and how do I connect to my body for my pleasure, for myself, how do I want to present for me that feels erotic and sexy and turn on for me, not for the lens in which I'm being seen.
Court Vox:And I think that's something that straight women have in common with queer men, is the difference with queer and gay men is that gay men are the lens and we are the seen through the lens.
Court Vox:Does that make sense?
Co-Host:Ah, yes, it does.
Court Vox:Which is another sort of layer.
Court Vox:But it's sort of like we preen and groom and present and walk and talk and exercise and eat and do all these things so that we can sort of be accepted and fit into a cultural narrative of acceptance from the masculine.
Co-Host:Right?
Co-Host:And specifically, yes, which is so interesting because I'm really seeing that now with my son, as he's 22, almost 23, and just over the past few years, how that's, you know, kind of shifted and, and really kind of tapping into that.
Co-Host:So it's interesting to me, and I think, okay, you know, the quiet voice says, okay, is there something I could be wisdom that I could be sharing with him to perhaps, you know, just kind of spark another thought?
Co-Host:Like, here's another way of thinking of this, right?
Co-Host:Because as you and I know, you don't ever tell your kids anything because they will do the opposite, right?
Court Vox:You know, that's always kind.
Court Vox:That has always been my approach with my son, who's now 19, around discussion around drugs and discussion around sex, is that I've always presented it as choices, right?
Court Vox:So, you know, these are the choices that are going to come your way.
Court Vox:And in choosing to have sex, you're also choosing to open your body and open your spirit to someone.
Court Vox:And I Guess you know, my invitation to him was always to look inside yourself and notice if you're ready for that, are you emotionally ready for this connection to happen?
Court Vox:And if the answer is no, maybe, you know, it's not the time.
Court Vox:And I think, you know, from what I know, he did wait until he felt he was ready and he was with a girlfriend that he'd been with for a year.
Court Vox:And it was a beautiful experience, right?
Court Vox:Same thing around drugs of, look, you can choose to do all these drugs, and in choosing that, you.
Court Vox:You may also be choosing a life of addiction.
Court Vox:You may be choosing a life of poor health, right?
Court Vox:These are all the things that kind of come with that.
Court Vox:It's not speaking, you know, it's just a language nuance of, you know, speaking about things as choices rather than repercussions.
Court Vox:Because as you said, you tell a child not to do something and they want to do it, right?
Court Vox:And so as parents, if we can simply present the information of this is a choice.
Court Vox:And with those choices, you are also choosing this.
Court Vox:And same thing with sex, of, you know, if you are choosing to have sex as a young person, you are choosing this emotional experience, this physical experience.
Court Vox:And also, you know, you are choosing, you know, if you're choosing not to use a condom, you are choosing to open yourself up to pregnancy at a young age.
Court Vox:Is that something that you want to choose?
Court Vox:Right.
Court Vox:Or do you want to wear a condom?
Court Vox:Right.
Court Vox:And Also all the STDs and STIs that come with that, too.
Court Vox:Those are like.
Court Vox:Those are important conversations.
Co-Host:Well, they are.
Co-Host:They are.
Co-Host:And I think that that's something.
Co-Host:I mean, you and I kind of twofold here.
Co-Host:You and I touched on this before we started recording.
Co-Host:But the things that, you know, we wish we would have known or wish we would have, you know, back when we started parenting, right?
Co-Host:So that we perhaps could have started, you know, I know for myself specifically, started these conversations so much earlier in a way that they were conversations and not a.
Co-Host:Well, just don't do that because it's scary or don't do that because you could die, right?
Co-Host:Because that's so not effective at all.
Co-Host:And all it does is close them down and freak you out.
Co-Host:So I think that, you know, this is such a helpful conversation in being able to really just open up and just.
Co-Host:Even if it is uncomfortable.
Co-Host:Uncomfortable for you to know, these kind of conversations are so much easier because we all know what the choices are, right?
Co-Host:So we can have this conversation.
Co-Host:And here are all of your choices.
Co-Host:Do you have questions about Any of them.
Co-Host:Do you want to know more information about any of them?
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:And I think kind of to part two of this, which is, you know, you and I were laughing.
Co-Host:So you are a queer man parenting a heterosexual boy.
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:And I'm mom parenting gay kids.
Co-Host:So how do we do this?
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:And how.
Co-Host:When we don't really know what we're talking about specifically.
Co-Host:And so having, as we have these discussions around choices, and we really want to offer this, like, here's the information you specifically need to know that's going to be helpful for you.
Co-Host:Like, had I known six years ago how to help Connor, like, navigate being a gay, you know, at that point, a gay young man and moving into, you know, through college and into young adulthood, Holy cow, would that have been like a million times better?
Co-Host:But I didn't know what I didn't know, and I didn't know how to find it.
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:So what kind of wisdom do you have to share around that?
Co-Host:Because I imagine it's a lot.
Court Vox:Around finding it or how to forgive yourself.
Co-Host:That might be a whole nother conversation.
Co-Host:I'm getting that.
Co-Host:But, yeah, finding it.
Co-Host:Yeah.
Court Vox:So interestingly enough, my son's also named Connor.
Co-Host:Greatest name.
Court Vox:Yeah.
Court Vox:Good name.
Court Vox:You know, before I go into that, I want to say, you know, having the discussion around sex, we often go to.
Court Vox:And even I just did it, we go to this place of talking about all the risks involved.
Court Vox:And what we don't talk about is all the, like, great things.
Court Vox:Right.
Court Vox:Of how powerful pleasure can be in mood stabilization and connecting with friends and connecting with lovers, and it's just not the person that you've had sex with.
Court Vox:Like, you're running all these endorphins and dopamine signals that come from these pleasure signals inside us.
Court Vox:These are ours.
Court Vox:Right.
Court Vox:And that translates into everything and every interaction we have.
Court Vox:And so noticing that those sexual and erotic connections that we have really are beautiful.
Court Vox:And if we can have that conversation, that pleasure is healing, pleasure is valuable.
Court Vox:That's counterculture.
Court Vox:That's a counterculture conversation.
Court Vox:And to start having that early on, I think is really important.
Co-Host:Absolutely.
Co-Host:I mean, just.
Co-Host:Yeah, go ahead.
Court Vox:The thing I also want to talk about again is, you know, with children is bodily autonomy.
Court Vox:And, you know, I remember as a child, my mother would sort of pass me off to relatives or friends to give them hugs and kisses, and it was sort of this, like, you know, she just to hear her talk about it, she just loved me so much that she wanted to other people to love me as much as she did.
Court Vox:And to share that.
Court Vox:Right.
Court Vox:And I look back on that and I also remember times when I didn't want to do that.
Court Vox:And the conversation was not, it's okay, you don't have to.
Court Vox:It was, come on, it's Uncle Joe or it's Uncle Mary or, you know, whatever it is, you know, they're happy to see you.
Court Vox:Give them a hug, give him a kiss.
Court Vox:And like, that actually sends the signal to your child that they're not in control of their body.
Court Vox:And so to say, you know, it's totally fine if you don't want to be affectionate these people, thank you for trusting yourself.
Court Vox:That is a different conversation.
Court Vox:And it's the conversation that I think really needs to be fostered with our children.
Court Vox:Now also, just talking about bodies of.
Court Vox:As your children's bodies change, you know, commenting on how they're gaining weight or losing weight or they're too thin or they're too big or they're eating too much or they're not eating enough.
Court Vox:And like, it's just a lot, right?
Court Vox:It's a lot to hear from people at school.
Court Vox:It's a lot to hear from teachers and to hear from media and then to also be hearing it from your parents.
Court Vox:It's just something that we have to stop doing of it is the neg, the kind of inconspicuous body talk and even, you know, and this is something I look back on, you know, as a, as a gay man of dealing with my own kind of body dysmorphia issues and doing it in front of my son, of, oh my gosh, I need to go back to the gym.
Court Vox:I need to lose five pounds, I need to run.
Court Vox:Ugh, I feel so fat.
Court Vox:All these things, they're just, they just don't send the best messages of body acceptance and body sort of friendliness with your body.
Co-Host:Yes.
Co-Host:It's so true.
Co-Host:And it's such something that's so ingrained in us that we don't realize what we're doing.
Co-Host:And it's such a cycle breaker moment to be able to be aware of that and to be aware of your wording.
Co-Host:It's something that we've been doing in our house.
Co-Host:I love that you brought that up because it, you know, something that all of my kids are very sensitive and aware of.
Co-Host:And so we've had many conversations around this.
Co-Host:And I am 100% guilty of saying, oh my gosh, I don't like the way I look or I feel overweight or, you know, all the things you kind of just Named I need to get back to the gym.
Co-Host:I, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:And learning to shift that and say, I want to.
Co-Host:I want to feel healthier.
Co-Host:So I personally am going to shift the way I'm eating or I'm going to do this because this makes me feel better.
Co-Host:You know, what, what are the things that you like?
Co-Host:And I have, you know, these big conversations around, like, you know, what, what they like, like, what makes them feel good.
Co-Host:And.
Co-Host:But it's definitely a rerouting of the narrative.
Co-Host:Right?
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:Because we all.
Co-Host:That's kind of, again, like, that was very, I think, generational and something.
Co-Host:A generational cycle that we have to break so that our kids can go forward with a much healthier view of eating, working out, and loving, which all will come to loving their bodies.
Court Vox:You know, the word integration is often talked about.
Court Vox:You know, it's like, we do this work and we integrate.
Court Vox:Like, what does integration mean?
Court Vox:And integration is sort of like when we have this felt sense of something in our body and then we have also language to talk about it and language to speak about it.
Court Vox:And maybe a different way that sort of aligns with this rerouting of our nervous system and rerouting of narratives that are really deeply part of our lineage and our ancestors, of our mothers and our fathers and our grandparents.
Court Vox:These messages that have been cultivated, they've been being cultivated for many, many years.
Court Vox:And so to change them involves an integration of the learning in a way that is a somatic and also from like a language perspective and also sharing with others.
Court Vox:Like, how do we share this information with each other?
Court Vox:Of, hey, like, I hear you speaking to yourself in such a.
Court Vox:An interesting way.
Court Vox:Are you aware.
Court Vox:Are you aware of how you're speaking to yourself?
Court Vox:It's affecting me too, you know, and again, that's another language of.
Court Vox:Of stop talking to yourself so negatively as opposed to, hey, are you aware of how you're speaking about your body right now?
Court Vox:No, how am I speaking about my body?
Court Vox:Well, you just said that you're fat and you need to, like, run for 12 miles.
Co-Host:Oh, God.
Court Vox:Then you're like, oh, God, Wow.
Court Vox:Did I say that?
Court Vox:Well, that's not really kind, is it?
Court Vox:You know, it's allowing people to come to their own conclusion rather than shaming them for the shameful feeling they're already having.
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:Like piling on.
Co-Host:Oh, my God.
Court Vox:Yeah.
Co-Host:Well, it's such a great pattern interrupt.
Co-Host:I mean, to be able to, like, moment and like, stop it.
Co-Host:Like, stop the thought and become aware of it and Think, okay, You know, help not only yourself, but someone else.
Co-Host:Think, okay, how could, how can I look at this differently?
Co-Host:How can I approach this differently so that, you know, I'm taking care of me and just taking care of me, not in a better way, just doing it.
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:I think that's such a big thing.
Court Vox:Yeah, that's.
Court Vox:I mean, that was something we kind of talked about before we started is this idea that, you know, as parents we tend to put so much focus outward, focus on our children and their success and their happiness and their joy and there's, you know, how they're behaving and things that we oftentimes we lose sight of the work that we need to do ourselves.
Court Vox:And just in sort of the reframe and the reorientation of our own connection to our bodies and our own sexuality and our own eroticism and our own life force energy.
Court Vox:By way of embodying those things, we are teaching our children, right?
Court Vox:Not by telling them, but by doing as.
Court Vox:By setting as an example.
Court Vox:So self care and self advancement and self growth is a, is a really big part of being a parent.
Co-Host:It is, I think it shifts the relationship So.
Co-Host:I mean, 180 degrees.
Co-Host:Mm, definitely with, I mean, with yourself 100%, but with your child, because they, even if you aren't saying anything out loud, they see the shifting, right.
Co-Host:They're.
Co-Host:They're constantly taking note.
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:Of your actions, of your behaviors, of your words.
Co-Host:So it is powerful.
Co-Host:It's really powerful.
Co-Host:I'm in the.
Co-Host:Just like this made this pop into my head.
Co-Host:And when we were talking about this earlier too, I'm in the middle of writing a book and I'm working with my editor right now.
Co-Host:And a lot of this book is the personal work that as a parent you need to do in order to be the best support for your child, in order to support them in their coming out process and as they navigate.
Co-Host:And I initially was getting a lot of pushback.
Co-Host:You know, people just want to know what to do for their kids.
Co-Host:They don't want to know this other stuff.
Co-Host:And I was like, well, unfortunately, I mean, yes, I get that, but this other stuff has to be done, right?
Co-Host:So I'm not, I'm not wavering on this being in there because this is important.
Co-Host:And this is such an important.
Co-Host:This was such an important, like, incredibly valuable lesson that I learned that I didn't know that I was allowed to do.
Co-Host:Like, that was mind blowing to me that I was allowed to take care of myself.
Co-Host:I can't be the only One that thinks that.
Co-Host:Right?
Co-Host:Yeah.
Court Vox:And in doing that, you know, you also give permission to other people to do the same.
Court Vox:Right.
Court Vox:As a parent and a mother and as a father, you know, to, to really insist on your own advancement and your own growth and able to share that with other people.
Court Vox:It's like, huh, I get.
Court Vox:I could, I could be doing the same thing.
Court Vox:That's available for me too, you know, if you're open to it.
Court Vox:I'd love to talk about this article that's written by a colleague of mine named Kai Chang Tom around gender.
Co-Host:Yes, I would love that.
Co-Host:Yes, please.
Court Vox:So just in a nutshell, the article really is about evolution.
Court Vox:And she talks about how gender binary, how we think about it is really about.
Court Vox:It's much easier for us to think masculine, feminine.
Court Vox:And if a child is going from being born in a masculine body to being transitioning into a feminine, more feminine body, easier for us to understand, wrap our heads around.
Court Vox:But when the sort of trajectory of this human is evolutionary, we have a much harder time dealing with that because it's not black or white.
Court Vox:And what they're talking about is sort of that gender can be.
Court Vox:And the invitation to look at gender as an evolution and that, you know, even if I'm looking at myself and who I am of looking about who I was in my teens and my twenties, really identifying more in my feminine, my feminine energy, and then, you know, in my 30s, really stepping more into what I felt as a more masculine energy and I'm still sort of in there and then also now kind of wanting to reconnect with feminine energy.
Court Vox:And so this noticing this evolution of gender in myself and also how that pertains to my sexuality and that your sexuality is evolutionary just like your body is evolutionary, we're all going to continue to change.
Court Vox:That is the one fact I can name will continue to change.
Court Vox:And if we can create space for our evolution, if we can create space for the possibility that your child's gender will shift and evolve, it alleviates so much pressure on everyone's part of, you know, this discussion.
Court Vox:If my child does transition or my child does name themselves as non binary in this moment, that maybe later they could change their mind.
Court Vox:And that's actually okay.
Court Vox:It's okay.
Court Vox:Because you know what, it's their body.
Co-Host:Exactly right.
Co-Host:I mean, and how is that affecting anybody else, really?
Court Vox:Yeah, it's.
Court Vox:It's really how it affects other people is that it leaves people in their own discomfort and really that's their work, not the other person's.
Co-Host:Correct.
Co-Host:Correct.
Court Vox:So you know, I just.
Court Vox:Yeah, go ahead.
Co-Host:No, no, no.
Co-Host:I was just thinking that I, I love that.
Co-Host:I would love to actually read this article, but I, I love that she was talking about the feminine and masculine energy, which I don't think a lot of people realize that we all have both.
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:And that's.
Co-Host:And so to what degree that you are kind of.
Co-Host:I don't feel.
Co-Host:I always kind of picture it like I, you know, you're kind of.
Co-Host:You tap into both of them.
Co-Host:I, you know, and we're all.
Co-Host:It's on a spectrum.
Co-Host:There's the word I was looking for.
Co-Host:And I wonder if you could talk about that a little bit.
Court Vox:Yeah.
Court Vox:I mean, what she actually is proposing is slightly different, which is that what, what we're able to see and feel as a culture is the binary masculine, feminine.
Court Vox:And we all have both.
Court Vox:But really what gender has the possibility of being is more like galaxy or like all the colors in the coloring box.
Court Vox:Right.
Court Vox:And when you ask somebody who's sort of like exploring non binary ness, like how it feels in their body, it's sort of like it's not one or the other.
Court Vox:Which is again much easier for us to understand because we've been so convinced, conditioned in binary, black, white, negative, positive.
Court Vox:Right.
Court Vox:Masculine, feminine, that it's harder for us to grasp that, oh, my gender expression or my sexual expression looks like all the colors in the coloring box, not just the two at the opposite poles.
Co-Host:I love that.
Co-Host:That's such a great visual because people can wrap their heads around that.
Court Vox:Yeah.
Court Vox:And it's, you know, you kind of, you can understand like how for people who are not kind of inhabiting that space, how that feel feels maybe overwhelming and confusing, but if we're able to reframe it in more of a positive outlook of looking at it, like possibility of this actually is not confusing.
Court Vox:What this offers is so much range and so much possibility of who I, who I'm allowed to be and who I can be and how I present and how I move, how I speak, how I love it just creates more possibility.
Co-Host:Well, it also encourages one to really be so aware and do that work.
Co-Host:To continually be just very in touch and connected to who they are.
Co-Host:Right.
Co-Host:What.
Co-Host:What does that mean to them?
Co-Host:And so, and so, you know, kind of learning, relearning how to go internally to see who you are and not looking for that out here by checking a bunch of boxes.
Court Vox:Yeah.
Court Vox:And again, the sort of what's possible and I'll speak from an eye space and also what's Possible.
Court Vox:What has been or become possible for so many of my clients in exploring their erotic potential and their erotic body and erotic desires is that, you know, what we're able to do when we are exploring in those spaces is really explore the depths of who we are as beings.
Court Vox:Because what I've noticed is that when we're in psychotherapy, which I think is really valuable, we're up here, we're in our heads and when we're speaking from a heart place, we're speaking from our chest up.
Court Vox:Right?
Court Vox:You know, I've worked with dancers and yogis and I've worked with so many different types of people, but you would think these dancers and these yogis and these, you know, breath work practitioners, they're really connected to their sexuality, but they've really focused on a belly up approach, right?
Court Vox:Where they're, they're not counting their genitals as part of their, their body and they're not speaking to them as if they're part of a, part of the plan or part of, part of the party.
Court Vox:And so to start to include your genitals, to include your sex as part of the conversation is really important.
Court Vox:And it's also daunting for some people, for many of us, because it just has not been right, has not been permissioned, has not been allowed.
Court Vox:And there's so much wrapped up in that conversation.
Co-Host:Yes.
Co-Host:Oh my goodness, yes.
Court Vox:Overwhelming you.
Co-Host:I'm like 100 questions right now and I'm like, okay, I'll be quiet.
Co-Host:That's the question, the best way to put it.
Co-Host:I'm like soaking this all in.
Co-Host:I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm actually having like epiphany moments and questions all at the same time.
Co-Host:I'm just fascinated and I know that people listening are going to be fascinated on how, you know, how do we do this work as adults, as, you know, parents A and then B, kind of circling back to, you know, obviously the earlier we can start talking with our kids about sex and about just their bodies and their whole bodies and, you know, all of these things that we've talked about today, the better.
Co-Host:But how do, how do we do this?
Co-Host:How do we, how do they find you?
Court Vox:How do people find me?
Court Vox:Yes, how do they find you?
Court Vox:Just reach and pull it down.
Court Vox:No, you can find me on thebodyvox.com also courtvox on Instagram.
Court Vox:The bodyvox on Instagram.
Co-Host:Okay, well, I will be posting that in the show notes for sure.
Co-Host:But let's say, you know, there's a Group of people that are like, yes, this is work I would like to do, I need to do.
Co-Host:Is this something that women would come as just a single person or do they come as a couple?
Co-Host:Or how does that work with your retreats?
Court Vox:So the women's retreats that I work back to the body, they're, they're for individual women.
Court Vox:And next year we have so many offerings.
Court Vox:We have some programs that are sort of entry level and then we have programs that are a little more advanced.
Court Vox:And so there's sort of something for everyone.
Court Vox:And that's backtothebody.org?
Co-Host:Okay.
Court Vox:And then, you know, to work with me privately, I work for three days minimum in immersion.
Court Vox:I work with men and women.
Court Vox:And like I said, when I work with women, I work in a triad model.
Court Vox:So with another female bodied practitioner or therapist to kind of triage with the client.
Co-Host:Sure, sure.
Co-Host:Oh, that's very cool.
Co-Host:Okay, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.
Co-Host:Kind of my final question, and this is my big question that I ask everyone who comes on is, and you can kind of choose, it's one of two questions.
Co-Host:What are your words of wisdom that you would share either with a kid coming out right now or a parent who has a child coming out right now?
Court Vox:You know, I'm going to speak to the kid coming out.
Court Vox:I think what I'm going to say might be counterintuitive to what you might think I would say, which is check in with your surroundings, check in with where you live, who you are living with, and understand before you come out whether it's safe enough.
Court Vox:I think people's safety, children's safety is important.
Court Vox:And there are organizations like the Trevor Project that have hotlines for you to call and that can be done on your own.
Court Vox:You don't have to share that with anybody if you need support.
Court Vox:But yeah, just noticing if you're in Florida, when you're in a really conservative school and you have conservative parents and you fear for your life and coming out, that's a tricky one.
Court Vox:I'm not going to tell somebody to come out in a container that's not supportive or that is not safe.
Court Vox:First and foremost, understand that you are safe and that you will be held.
Court Vox:And then beyond that, if the answer is yes, I feel like I will be held safely in my body here to either do it how it feels right for you.
Court Vox:I think we've come to this place in America where coming out is sort of, okay, everybody, let's sit down.
Court Vox:Let's have this deep conversation And I'm going to tell you that I'm coming out, but to speak with some of my European friends and partners.
Court Vox:They're coming out.
Court Vox:Story was not.
Court Vox:They didn't sit their parents down.
Court Vox:They didn't do that.
Court Vox:They said, I'm going out with my boyfriend.
Court Vox:I'm meeting Joel again.
Court Vox:I'm going to this queer party.
Court Vox:It was more of like, I'm living my life this way.
Court Vox:And so I wonder if there's sort of.
Court Vox:Obviously, there's a cultural difference with the United States and some of the other countries like Sweden and Belgium and that are a little more advanced, in my opinion.
Co-Host:Absolutely.
Court Vox:And also, I don't know that it has to be so cut and dry always, but everybody has their own way.
Co-Host:Of doing it, right?
Co-Host:Well, I think that's.
Co-Host:There's.
Co-Host:There's no wrong way of doing.
Co-Host:But to say, I love that you touched on the safety piece first, because that is.
Co-Host:I could not agree with you more.
Co-Host:And, you know, I think it's also, gosh, that is the goal, right?
Co-Host:That someday in America, that is the way that it's no different.
Co-Host:My boyfriend is coming over, My girlfriend's coming over, my girlfriend are coming over.
Co-Host:I mean, you know that it is not a shocking moment or any of what's going on right now.
Co-Host:So that is.
Co-Host:That is the work.
Co-Host:That is the work.
Co-Host:So thank you so much for being here today.
Court Vox:Yeah, thanks for having me.
Co-Host:A fantastic conversation.
Co-Host:Before we end, is there anything else that you'd like to share?
Court Vox:I don't think so.
Court Vox:I.
Court Vox:I think I've.
Court Vox:I've shared it all.
Co-Host:I think you have.
Co-Host:We didn't.
Co-Host:We shared a lot.
Co-Host:You shared a lot.
Co-Host:Thank you.
Co-Host:This was really fascinating and wonderful.
Co-Host:So I appreciate you being here.
Court Vox:Thanks for having me on.
Heather Hester:Thanks so much for joining me today.
Heather Hester:If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful.
Heather Hester:For a rating or a review.
Heather Hester:Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website, chrysalismama.com to stay up to date on my latest resources, as well as to learn how you can work with me.
Heather Hester:Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone.
Heather Hester:And remember to just breathe until next.
Co-Host:Sa.
