The Coming Out Process: Stage 1 - Identity Confusion

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Parenting your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast, transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath. And know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the just breathe nets. Whether today's show is an amazing guest, or me sharing stories, resources, strategies or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

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Welcome back, my friends, I am happy to share a few minutes of your day with you. So many topics were swirling around in my head for today. As I was writing and planning and researching, I realized that several of the topics were small pieces of a larger topic that I had been wanting to circle back to for a long time, the coming out process for your child and the coming out process for you. Since the original episodes on this topic, or episodes two, and four, and they were just a basic overview, I thought it would be helpful to do some episodes where we take a deeper look at each stage with in the processes. So today we're going to kick it off with the coming out process for your child stage one. I am guessing you are a lot like Steve and I were and had no idea there was a process. And if you did, I am super impressed. Knowing there is a process and understanding how to recognize behaviors. And most of all, knowing how to support your child where they are in this process is absolutely one of the most life enhancing things we've learned on this journey. We knew immediately after Connor came out that we needed some guidance and significant education outside of just individual therapy. So at the time, we only knew to reach out to our local Youth and Family Services Agency. And from the moment that Steven I met with Kate who was on their staff as a therapist, and LGBTQ advocate and educator. We felt like this incredible weight had been lifted. She was able to meet us where we were which, as you all know, was a bit frenetic and loaded with a million questions. She helped us begin to organize our thoughts and work through the layers of feelings, and her warmth and compassion, or exactly what each of us needed. We were so raw and wired and at times really kind of teetering that line of sanity. The comfort of her self expression and sharing of her life experiences gave us the confidence that we needed, that she knew exactly what she was talking about. She has supported both of us separately as we've each had our own experiences within each of the transformations. And she has supported us as a couple and as a family. One of the most valuable things Steven I learned from Kate in those very first few weeks after coma Connor came out was the coming out process. Similar to my stunned realizations as I read the book, Mom, I'm gay. reading and learning about the stages of coming out blew my mind. I was at once relieved, hopeful and angry. I was relieved because understanding the stages answered so much of what Connor had experienced and was still experiencing at the time. I was hopeful because now we knew a little better, or than I should say we knew a little better how to support him and what resources to seek for both him and for us. And I was really angry. Because how is this information not readily available, we had to jump through so many hoops and lose countless nights of sleep, just to get to that point. So that is why I have made such a huge effort to share this information with you in so many different ways.

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So just to give you a little background, the coming out process, or the stages of coming out are derived from the CAS identity model. It was originally created in 1979 by Vivian Cass, who was the first to treat gay and lesbian identity development as normal developmental stages, as opposed to a mental health problem. And before those of you who have bisexual, transgender or queer children get alarmed know that in 1979, it was gay, lesbian, and identity. So much has shifted in the past 40 plus years, there have been 1000s of studies and research and just vast opening of mines, including more specific language. So as I talk about it, I will use the updated language to accurately reflect where we are now. Even with all that has been realized and established, most experts agree that this model is still incredibly accurate for describing an understanding what a person experiences when they come out. So take a minute right now to grab a notebook because you will definitely use this as a reference going forward. So stage one is called identity and orientation, confusion. And confusion is kind of the key word here. And in this initial phase, your child begins to realize that they are different from their peers. And this can cause a wide range of thoughts and emotions from shock, to amazement, to fear. The thoughts, the feelings, and the attractions are beginning to surface with insistence, meaning they are unwavering with persistence, meaning they're continuing in spite of difficulty or obvious opposition, and with consistence, meaning they are unchanging in nature over a period of time. In fact, these words are used in the gender affirmative model, and I think they work well for identity and orientation. So as your child contemplates that big question, Who am I, they will cycle through wanting to reject the thoughts and feelings, then to denying those thoughts and feelings, and then potentially to accepting them. Although acceptance doesn't always happen in stage one. So just be aware of that, as you're talking with your child or trying to ascertain where they are through their behaviors. This stage is mostly internal, you will likely have no idea what is happening, especially if your child feels any fear or shame. In real time, it can last months, even years. I mean, think about it, how many times will a thought or a feeling or an attraction come up and then be rejected, and then another, and it's rejected. That singular loop can go on for quite some time. But enormous question Who am I will likely just spin in their minds as they consider all of the possibilities. They will reject and deny until they finally realize their personal truth. Can you imagine what a personal hell that must be for our babies? layer on top of that all of the possible external factors. And oh my gosh, is this a recipe for self loathing? isolation, shame, depression, anxiety, and anger. The subsequent behaviors based on these feelings will likely be our only clue that something is going on. As you may recall, when Connor came out to us, he was a sophomore in high school. As he began sharing with us his journey up to that point, we learned that he began to realize he felt different from his friends in seventh grade. Think about that for a minute. That's three years, three years, he went through every single one of those above thoughts and feelings, rejecting the idea, being terrified of the idea, denying the mere thought of being gay, feeling so angry, loathing himself, and eventually isolating and suffering from depression.

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He mulled over these feelings for over three years. My heart still aches when I think about how alone he felt, and how hard he worked to put up the everything's awesome facade and how scared he was to tell us. So, to recap, stage, one of the coming out process looks like this. First, it's the asking Who am I and rejecting and denying all thoughts, feelings and attractions over and over until they reach some sort of acceptance. It's feeling the self loathing, the shame, the depression, the anxiety, anger and isolation. And it's almost completely internal. So what you need to look for are the behavioral clues from the feelings I just mentioned. If you happen to realize what is going on with your child in this stage, the best thing you can do is to provide support and let them know how much they are loved unconditionally. Depending on where you live, you may need to keep an eye on concerning external factors as well. This next one will be hard, but it is vitally important that you wait for them to come out to you. Do not out them. This process is really, really important. episodes on the rest of the stages of the coming out process for your child as well as the separate process for you. We'll be posting in the coming weeks. In the meantime, you can check out my course learning to just breathe accompanying weekly office hours to answer questions and help you process will be starting very soon. Until next time.