Episode 77
Mindfulness and Recovery: Strategies for Overcoming Eating Disorders
The discourse presented in this podcast episode centers on the intricate relationship between disordered eating and the challenges faced by LGBTQ youth during the holiday season. A significant focus is placed on the psychological implications of these struggles, particularly as they pertain to identity formation and societal pressures. Our esteemed guest, Dr. Theresa Bussert, offers invaluable insights into navigating disordered eating behaviors with a compassionate and non-judgmental approach, emphasizing the importance of understanding the underlying thoughts and feelings that accompany such challenges. We explore the complexities of familial support and the necessity of creating a safe space for dialogue, particularly in the context of the upcoming holidays, which can exacerbate stress for many individuals. Ultimately, this episode serves as a poignant reminder of the need for empathy and awareness as we endeavor to support our loved ones grappling with these significant issues.
What are disordered eating and eating disorders? Dr. Bussert shares with us the difference between disordered eating and eating disorders, and the best ways to support a person who is struggling with either one. Dr. Bussert is a therapist, coach, educator, and advocate for people looking to live beyond their eating disorders. She shares with us just how the spectrum of disordered eating and eating disorders can start and how the most important tool to healing is separating the person from the disorder. Join us as we discuss how to spot signs of eating disorders, how to best support a loved one suffering from eating disorders, and that there is life beyond your disorder.
Takeaways:
- The upcoming holiday season introduces various stressors, particularly for those managing disordered eating.
- Dr. Teresa Bussert offers invaluable insights into the complexities of eating disorders and their impact on individuals.
- It is essential to differentiate between disordered eating and eating disorders, as they exist on a continuum.
- Supporting a loved one with disordered eating requires a focus on their emotional well-being rather than solely on their eating behaviors.
- Acknowledging the importance of community and support is crucial for individuals navigating their identity and eating challenges.
- Parents and caregivers must create a safe space for their children to express their feelings about food and identity.
Companies mentioned in this episode:
- National Eating Disorder Association
- Trevor Foundation
Do not miss these highlights:
00:40 – Introduction to November 29th’s episode topic. You won’t want to miss out!
00:55 – Trigger alert for today’s topic
03:00 – LGBTQIA+ E-book
03:55 – Introduction to Dr. Theresa Bussert
06:04– Dr. Theresa Bussert tells us a little bit about herself
06:36 – The difference between disordered eating and eating disorders (ED)
08:26 – How thoughts and behaviors are connected to disordered eating and eating disorders and tips for helping a person going through it.
12:10 – Healing from ED is about defusing who you are from your ED
13:54 – ED as a coping mechanism at its starting point
17:11 – Helping someone with an ED to understand why they are doing that versus just telling them to eat
19:18 – Dr. Theresa Bussert introduces us to the book Life without ED by Jenny Schaefer
29:00 – The connection between ED and the LGBTQIA+ community
41:36 – If you have any ED concerns feel free to reach out to Dr. Theresa Bussert
44:25 – LGBTQ & A segment
Connect with Heather:
Join the Just Breathe Community on Patreon
Give a copy of Heather's new book, Parenting with Pride.
Join Heather's *free* Substack weekly newsletter
Work with Heather one-on-one or bring her into your organization to speak or run a workshop!
Please subscribe to, rate, and review Just Breathe. And, as always, please share with anyone who needs to know they are not alone!
Email: hh@chrysalismama.com
NEDA https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
ANAD https://anad.org/
Ways to connect with Dr. Theresa Bussert:
Website: Theresabussert.com
Email: theresa@theresabussert.com
Facebook: @TheresaBussertPsyD
Instagram: @theresabussert
Mentioned in this episode:
Patreon
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Transcript
Foreign.
Speaker B:Welcome back my friends.
Speaker B:I am so happy you are here.
Speaker B:My hope for you is that you can take a breath and feel a sense of calm while you are here.
Speaker B:The upcoming holiday season can add a few stressors to your plate for sure.
Speaker B:It is one of my very favorite times of the year, but also one that has me begging for three days of downtime by December 26th.
Speaker B:Does that sound familiar to anyone?
Speaker B:One of the biggest concerns this time of year is coming out to relatives and handling those who are non affirming.
Speaker B:November 29's episode will walk you through tips and how to's, so make sure you are subscribed so that you get the episode as soon as it drops.
Speaker B:My guest today is going to talk about a topic that we have not discussed yet and it is well past time that we've do.
Speaker B:I want to give a trigger alert right now though, for all who struggle with eating?
Speaker B:I know this is a sensitive topic.
Speaker B:One of the reasons I wanted Dr.
Speaker B:Teresa Bussert on Just Breathe is because she has such a calming, non judgmental approach to disordered eating and eating disorders.
Speaker B:But I also want you to have the opportunity to skip this episode.
Speaker B:If you aren't quite ready, I'm sending you a big hug right through this microphone and a gentle reminder that you are loved.
Speaker B:Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting your LGBTQ team, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.
Speaker B:My name is Heather Hester and I am so grateful you are here.
Speaker B:I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest.
Speaker B:Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat.
Speaker B:Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
Speaker B:Raise your hand if you've ever been in conversation with your LGBTQIA child or friend and felt confused or embarrassed or even frustrated because you didn't understand the meaning of the words or phrases that they used.
Speaker B:Come on, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Speaker B:My hand is raised.
Speaker B:We've all been there.
Speaker B:Which is why I created a guide for us called the language of LGBTQIA.
Speaker B:It's a 50 page book of comprehensive yet easy to digest explanations.
Speaker B: Text breathe to: Speaker B:Teresa, as her clients and patients know her, has been a therapist, coach, educator and advocate for people who struggle with who they are beyond disordered eating for the past 20 years.
Speaker B:She has helped her clients find a new path moving forward, leaving disordered eating and self critical thoughts in the past.
Speaker B:She is trained in clinical social work, psychology and mindfulness and uses this wisdom to help support her clients journey through recovery.
Speaker B:Teresa is offering a Stop Binge Eating guide to all of my listeners, so check out the show notes for the link for this.
Speaker B:She is also holding a Holiday Survival Strategic Plan webinar workshop this Wednesday, November 16th.
Speaker B:That's tomorrow Wednesday, November 16th.
Speaker B:The link to register for this is also in the show notes.
Speaker B:I learned so much from Teresa and I can't wait for you to hear our conversation.
Speaker A:Okay, great.
Speaker A:Well Teresa, I am so, so glad to have you here on the show on Just Breathe to share just your vast knowledge.
Speaker A:I'm so intrigued.
Speaker A:When you reached out to me, it was really perfect timing because I think I had shared with you that I had a client who had just been asking about disordered eating and eating disorders.
Speaker A:And so I would love to kind of start right there with you because I think that is something that's a little bit confusing for those of us who are just kind of learning about it and just having that definition or those the differences is a great place to start and then we can go from there.
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker C:I'm very excited actually to be here and talk about some of the things that I see in the eating disorder community and in really all communities, but specifically with adolescents.
Speaker C:So I'll tell you a little bit about myself.
Speaker C:So I'm a therapist.
Speaker C:I've been working for over 20 years in the eating disorder community.
Speaker C:I'm a body positive advocate and I like to do educational opportunities in the world so that people can learn about the differences of exactly an eating disorder versus disordered eating.
Speaker C:And if you think of it on a continuum, it's like a spectrum, more of a continuum I think, because it's all kind interrelated.
Speaker C:Disordered eating is about eating unhealthfully.
Speaker C:So maybe that would be binging while watching a TV show or restricting because the holidays are coming up and we don't want, you know, we want to be able to eat those holiday meals.
Speaker C:So we're restricting just to be able to do that or we're over exercising to accommodate for that.
Speaker C:So that can be unhealthy and not necessarily serve our Best self and growth.
Speaker C:When it evolves to a place where it affects your functionality, your ability to be you in the world, whether it's work, school, family, friends, it becomes more of a disorder.
Speaker C:And oftentimes we fuse our sense of self with the eating disorder behaviors, and that's when you're talking about an actual eating disorder.
Speaker C:So I'm a big fan that anywhere along that continuum, you can get resources and support, therapy or programs if it gets to that place, but that's really what you're talking about.
Speaker C:So when I refer to eating disorders or disordered eating, to me, they're kind of somewhere along that continuum.
Speaker C:And you can, you know, go back and forth on the continuum throughout life if that's part of the challenges for you.
Speaker A:Okay, that's really helpful.
Speaker A:So for someone who, let's say, struggles to eat, or struggles to eat in front of other people, or struggles with food choices and not necessarily based on calories or any kind of nutrient, but just where does that fall and what would be kind of advice for that person?
Speaker C:So when you're thinking in terms of disordered eating on any level, I want you to think about thoughts.
Speaker C:The way we see ourselves, the way we think about the food, the way we think about the event, those kinds of things.
Speaker C:And then behaviors restricting, binging, limiting our variety of what we'll eat, and then the action.
Speaker C:Like, I feel the impulse to exercise because I'm going to go out to dinner with, you know, to.
Speaker C:To a big meal, so I'm gonna.
Speaker C:I'm gonna run five extra miles or something like that.
Speaker C:Those three elements are what create an eating disorder, and it also creates recovery.
Speaker C:So when you're talking, when you're seeing someone doing behaviors, you know, calling them out on that isn't necessarily very helpful.
Speaker C:It's.
Speaker C:I think we were talking a little earlier and the.
Speaker C:The term food shaming came up, you know, and it's really like the person is feeling the shame and the guilt because you're saying you're not eating and everyone else is eating, and why aren't you doing that?
Speaker C:And not necessarily I'm worried about you, but it could be I'm worried about you, but it's focused on the food and not the person.
Speaker C:And so the healing comes from focusing on the person.
Speaker C:And the reason I say that is, you know, one of the things that we see in the eating disorder community is a lot of times it happens in adolescence where at least the client identifies that they've been having the struggle.
Speaker C:They may have had thoughts previously, but it Starts to become part of their sense of self and what they're doing.
Speaker C:And the reason is, the developmental task in adolescence really is, you know, who am I?
Speaker C:Like, I'm going to go hang out with these people and figure out if I fit there, and if I don't fit there, I'm going to go hang out with these people and figure that out, or both of those groups freak me out.
Speaker C:So I'm just going to stay home and not, like, associate with anybody and get online and just live on the online world.
Speaker C:So adolescence has so many complicated layers of figuring out who you are, and if you bring the element of external sense of identity, you know, like.
Speaker C:Like, for example, like, you're hanging out in gym class in the locker room, and.
Speaker C:And everybody's talking about, you know, how they're not going to eat lunch because they're going to the dance and they want to look really good and things like that, and you want to be part of that group.
Speaker C:You start to take on those behaviors because you want to be included.
Speaker C:And so if you and I both were hanging out in the locker room, and we both decided, as, you know, as a collaborative, we're both going to restrict so that we can go to the dance and look really great, you know, and you may do that and not eat, you know, lunch for three days and think you look great in your dress.
Speaker C:I may do that, but then feel like I can't eat now when I go to the dance, because if I eat now, my stomach's gonna bloat, and then I'm gonna look fat, and so I'm not gonna.
Speaker C:I'm not gonna have the.
Speaker C:The meal there.
Speaker C:And then over the weekend, like, oh, well, you know, I got a lot of compliments, so I'm not going to eat this weekend.
Speaker C:And then the eating disorder takes on a life of its own.
Speaker C:So it's really about your sense of self, your sense of identity.
Speaker C:Does that make sense?
Speaker A:It does.
Speaker A:Oh, my goodness, yes.
Speaker A:And how quickly.
Speaker A:That's such a great visual for how quickly that can happen.
Speaker C:And people often are predisposed to eating disorders, which is why you and I could have the same conversation and the same feelings, But I develop the eating disorder, and you don't.
Speaker C:So if you and I are friends, you'd be like, well, what is your problem?
Speaker C:Why do you keep doing that?
Speaker C:Because obviously, you just have to eat and you're fine.
Speaker C:But that's not my experience, because now I'm fusing my worth with how I look in that dress or who's Coming to hang out with me or if I get invited to this party.
Speaker C:And so healing from an eating disorder is often about diffusing that.
Speaker C:Separating.
Speaker C:Separating the element of who I am versus the eating disorder.
Speaker C:We often personify it as Ed.
Speaker C:You know, is that an Ed thought or is that a, you know, Teresa thought?
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And then you start to create that sense of, well, maybe this isn't who I am.
Speaker C:I wonder who I really am.
Speaker C:And then you can put the behaviors aside, and then you can start figuring out who you are.
Speaker C:So that's a long answer to your question.
Speaker C:I'm not sure if I actually answered it.
Speaker A:You absolutely did.
Speaker A:And I think that's so kind of just honing in on that last part.
Speaker A:I mean, that is complicated for anyone to do, let alone an adolescent, because just thinking about.
Speaker A:I mean, if you had that just in a vacuum, let's figure out who you are.
Speaker A:Like, that's what adolescents are doing, right?
Speaker A:Like, that's a base layer of, like, the hundred layers, right.
Speaker A:Of things that are going on in adolescence.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And that is.
Speaker A:I mean, that's tough.
Speaker A:That's tough.
Speaker A:Without any external.
Speaker A:Without any, you know, predispos.
Speaker A:Predisposition to anything else.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So it is easy to see how that can so quickly become intertwined and how that could easily be like, well, I'm just going to kind of grab onto this because this feels easier.
Speaker A:This feels better than trying to figure out who I am.
Speaker A:And then, you know, very organic sense, or just in a, you know, without all these other.
Speaker A:Because it's kind of a maladaptive one.
Speaker A:But it's a coping technique, right?
Speaker C:Well, it is definitely a strategy of figuring out, you know, who you are, because now you have a community and people are concerned about you.
Speaker C:But you get compliments initially, let's say, if you're restricting and your body's changing, but when it takes on a life of its own, you lose those relationships because you have to live your life in service of your eating disorder.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And it affects your health, obviously, because you're still physically developing in adolescence, so that could be lifelong problems.
Speaker C:So that's why when we look at, like, the behaviors and the thoughts, there are interventions when we get to the eating disorder, part of it, of the continuum, where interventions sometimes have to take place without.
Speaker C:Without the full commitment of the individual, because they don't see that challenge.
Speaker C:They just see that this is working for me.
Speaker C:And if you ask me to stop doing these things, I don't know who I am without that.
Speaker C:So.
Speaker C:And that's A very scary concept like, who are we?
Speaker C:And that's independent of the world we live in and all the images that the young people are exposed to and the societal norms or expectations, filters on online and things like that.
Speaker C:So they live in that world and, and get images all the time that are creating their sense of reality.
Speaker C:And in normal adolescence, you're out trying to figure that out anyway.
Speaker C:Like, you see somebody that you think is cool and you're mimicking them, and that's just part of figuring out where you are.
Speaker C:But when your algorithms are focused entirely on losing weight, body image, things like that, that's the world that you live in.
Speaker C:It's really hard to break, break free from that until you start to get a sense of, I am not my eating disorder.
Speaker C:And so that's a big part of, in my opinion, recovery is like wherever you are in life dealing with this stuff, you got to figure out that this has served me very well at some stage of my life.
Speaker C:It no longer serves my authentic self, my higher person.
Speaker C:And, and that's a challenge, I think for a lot of us in a lot of ways.
Speaker A:It absolutely is.
Speaker A:It absolutely is.
Speaker A:And that whole piece of, if you're able to stay connected to yourself, then you're able to kind of create that separation.
Speaker A:But if you don't really know who you are, and certainly adolescence of, I mean, like we keep saying they're figuring out who they are.
Speaker A:So that makes it that much harder to stay connected and to not like grab onto something else to be like, well, I'm going to connect to that because that makes me feel good right now in this moment.
Speaker A:And that's fascinating.
Speaker A:I love how you broke that down.
Speaker A:And I like the, the, you know, the kind of the thoughts, feelings, actions, the, you know, what you're thinking about, the behaviors, the feelings.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And then the action, which is something that, you know, formula that you can use in so many different ways.
Speaker C:Well, and it's so much more helpful than you need to eat.
Speaker C:Wow.
Speaker C:You need to eat.
Speaker C:You need to just say, I'm going to sit here until you're done with what you're supposed to eat on your plate.
Speaker C:Like, that's not helpful.
Speaker C:That's not telling me or helping me understand why I feel so compelled to utilize these behaviors.
Speaker C:Right, right.
Speaker C:Parents and loved ones, you know, we often think we know better than the person versus trying to encourage the person for self discovery.
Speaker C:And that can be really a complicated, complicated task.
Speaker A:It can be.
Speaker A:It can be.
Speaker A:And I think so many of us were, you know, Our, our generation really was not brought up to check in with our feelings.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:To check in with who we are and how that connects to everything.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:So eating is very separate from who you are in the world in the way that we were kind of grown up, grow.
Speaker A:I mean, that's very simplified.
Speaker A:But just thinking as, so now as we're parents and we have our children, we're thinking, well, you need to eat because that's how you grow.
Speaker A:Instead of kind of taking that step back and being like, okay, well, let's look at this from a different angle.
Speaker A:Let's look at this, you know, from a, you know, this is.
Speaker A:What don't you, like, why are.
Speaker A:And maybe these are not good questions, but, you know, what about eating?
Speaker A:And you can tell me, actually, as I'm asking these questions, if these are even good questions to ask because they're just coming to me.
Speaker A:But, you know, why, why doesn't that seem appealing to you?
Speaker A:Or what, Is there something that sounds better?
Speaker A:Or is there.
Speaker A:Because I'm thinking, as I'm asking these questions, thinking, like you said earlier, we want to take that focus off of the food.
Speaker C:Correct.
Speaker A:And put it on the person.
Speaker A:So I'm thinking, what are the questions that we could really ask that can help our child really connect to, like, think about it in a way that's a healthy way to think about it.
Speaker A:Not, I'm just not going to eat it.
Speaker C:So there is a, There is a great book that we often encourage people that are starting recovery to read.
Speaker C:It's called Life Without Ed, and it's written by Jenny Shaffer.
Speaker C:She's an artist, musician, and eating disorder recovery guru.
Speaker C:And she wrote it when she was, I think she was in her 20s.
Speaker C:And she wrote it with her therapist, which was very controversial at the time, but now it's a little bit more okay, I guess.
Speaker C:And what she did was she basically shared moments in her recovery where she struggled with her sense of self and what she should or shouldn't do or how she wants to react to her parents or how people can support her.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And then she would explain how she, she went through the prep, she worked through that.
Speaker C:And then her therapist would throw a little bit of his.
Speaker C:His, like how he experienced it in.
Speaker C:So it's a great book if you're trying to understand how I'm defining that Persona, like my sense of self separate from the eating disorder.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker C:But when she started the book, she starts it and I think it's the intro.
Speaker C:It could be the first chapter.
Speaker C:I'm not sure.
Speaker C:But she basically writes a letter to her eating disorder, and she.
Speaker C:She talks to him directly, and she says, I'm going to divorce you.
Speaker C:And she personified him as an abuser, that he bullies her, he manipulates her, he lies to her, he takes her away from her friends, he takes her away from relationships.
Speaker C:He.
Speaker C:He says he's more important than her parents, her loved ones and that kind of thing.
Speaker C:And she believed him, so she followed what he was saying.
Speaker C:And her.
Speaker C:Her sense of, I think it's my declaration to divorce at.
Speaker C:Or something like that, but it's the declaration of, I'm no longer going to.
Speaker C:To listen to you.
Speaker C:You are no longer in control of me.
Speaker C:And that is the first step in getting a sense of.
Speaker C:I know I'm doing these behaviors and I'm thinking these thoughts, and maybe they're not actually really helpful, and they're probably bad for me, and maybe they're not serving me the way they did when I started this, but I'm going to start separated from.
Speaker C:I'm going to start to.
Speaker C:To break free from that.
Speaker C:So I encourage both clients and family members to read that book because I think it's just really simply written, and it's written very much in a young person's.
Speaker C:Young.
Speaker C:Young, meaning like, you know, teens, 20s, person's voice that can kind of help you get a sense of what your loved one is going through.
Speaker C:So there are specific things you can do at meal times and things like that, but without the foundation of you are not your eating disorder, it's really hard to support that person because they're not.
Speaker C:All they're going to do is hear you telling them to do the opposite of what the voice in their head is telling them.
Speaker C:And the voice in their head solved a problem somewhere along the way for them.
Speaker C:So.
Speaker C:So that's.
Speaker C:That's kind of like the foundation to build from, if that makes sense.
Speaker C:And then.
Speaker C:Then you can say, what do you need from me?
Speaker C:You know, how can I help you?
Speaker C:How can I support you?
Speaker C:You know, I'm doing a webinar next week for people in recovery from eating disorders for holiday stress.
Speaker C:And we're going to talk about some of those challenges and how we're going to kind of navigate, you know, the holidays, food, family, how do you take care of yourself?
Speaker C:There's a lot of perfectionism in the ability to restrict if that's what you do with your eating disorder.
Speaker C:And perfectionism always makes our calendar very, very busy.
Speaker C:So it's about learning how to.
Speaker C:How to.
Speaker C:How to Be in the moment and not in your disorder.
Speaker C:And so I think, I think maybe that's a way to approach it, is get a little bit more understanding of.
Speaker C:Of what the eating disorder or disordered eating is and how it's serving that person to be able to have those dialogues.
Speaker C:And once, once both of you kind of get that, you can be more honest about, you know, what do you need from me?
Speaker C:You know, is this helpful?
Speaker C:Because sometimes it is helpful for mom to lay out the food on the plate if you're working, let's say, with a therapist and a dietitian.
Speaker C:So the therapist, let's say, will work with the thoughts and kind of help you process through that.
Speaker C:And then a dietitian helps you understand why a variety of foods is important, why a certain amount of calories is important, where you are physiologically developing, and why restricting or binging or just manipulating, you know, how you're eating can affect that development.
Speaker C:So you're giving that person information they didn't have to have a better sense of understanding that this coping strategy is going to be more destructive than it was initially.
Speaker C:And, and I think, you know, if you look at that, it really helps both the family and the person get a better sense of it.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker A:It's a lot of awareness.
Speaker C:It's a lot of awareness and it's a lot of, you know, I don't know.
Speaker C:I don't know if this is right.
Speaker C:This is the way I see it, but it's like narrowing your focus to see where you are before you expand your lens.
Speaker C:You know, we can sit here and talk about how culture is, is perpetuating this.
Speaker C:And, you know, the diet mentality and the binge purge, popular actions in high schools and colleges, you know, they all jump on board and do certain behaviors.
Speaker C:There's binge drinking and all kinds of things going on, but that's not going to help Susie, who's trying to figure out how to survive feeling very alone but being very popular, let's say, or just not feeling like they fit in the world that they're in.
Speaker C:And how do I get a sense of who I am when everybody around me is telling me I'm somebody else?
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And I think eating disorders, as they get stronger, can leave a sense of emptiness inside.
Speaker C:So we don't.
Speaker C:When I, When I say to someone, you know, well, who are you without your eating disorder?
Speaker C:There is literally like this detachment of like, I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker C:Who would I be without it?
Speaker C:Like, it's.
Speaker C:It's how I.
Speaker C:It's how I engage with the world, it's how I engage with my friends, it's how I control my body.
Speaker C:It's all of those things.
Speaker C:I'm like, yes, but if you weren't doing that, think of how much time you might have in your life and what would you do with time?
Speaker C:And those ideas are really hard to conceptualize when you're in the throes of it.
Speaker A:Absolutely they are.
Speaker A:I mean, again, kind of circling back to that.
Speaker A:That's a tough question for any adolescent.
Speaker C:For some of us grown ups, I think.
Speaker A:Well, I was just gonna say it's really.
Speaker A:It is a tough question for many, many people.
Speaker A:I mean, that is a.
Speaker A:If you have to stop and think about it, like, you could give like a.
Speaker A:I'm a, you know, I'm a therapist, I'm a podcaster, I'm an author, I'm a.
Speaker A:Well, that's like a description of what we do, right?
Speaker A:Like, who are we?
Speaker A:And so that is.
Speaker A:Which is a much scarier question to answer and.
Speaker C:Because what if you're wrong, right?
Speaker C:What if your thought of who you are is wrong?
Speaker C:There's vulnerability in that.
Speaker A:A ton of vulnerability in that.
Speaker A:And so, I mean, again, that's scary for a grown adult.
Speaker A:So, you know, just thinking about, you know, as we think all think about our kids, right?
Speaker A:As we're thinking about this question.
Speaker A:Holy cow, that is.
Speaker A:But I think too, like, the gift of this conversation and, and of this awareness is that we can then pass this on to, to our kids, creating a very safe space for them to be vulnerable and to really explore that in a way that, you know, they maybe wouldn't have been able to before or we weren't able to before, or, you know, whatever the case is.
Speaker A:And that can open up conversations for, you know, so many different things, right?
Speaker C:So many, so many.
Speaker A:I mean, I'm sitting here thinking as we're talking, I mean, the parallels of, you know, supporting a child who has an eating disorder or disordered eating and supporting a child who is in the process of coming out, it's very similar, right?
Speaker A:I mean, there's.
Speaker A:On the part of the parent, there's so much the need for awareness and understanding and, and it's nothing that you're like, well, you, you're doing this wrong.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:Those are things that we just don't inherently know, right?
Speaker A:That's not built into our knowledge base.
Speaker A:So these, this is information that we have to actively seek and understand so that we can be aware, so that we can create the safe space.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And so I'm.
Speaker A:I'm really.
Speaker A:I think these.
Speaker A:These parallels are just.
Speaker A:This is kind of fascinating for me, and it also.
Speaker A:I think this is a good little.
Speaker A:A little segue into, you know, you and I were talking about.
Speaker A:This is a very common struggle with LGBTQ youth and young adults.
Speaker A:And so, you know, I'd love to talk about that a little bit and why, you know, it's almost disproportionately so and.
Speaker A:And why that might be and if there are, you know, kind of specific things that either lead to that or that can be done to support.
Speaker C:So the National Eating Disorder association, nida, and the Trevor Trevor Foundation, I think, Project.
Speaker C:Thank you.
Speaker C:Both did studies on eating disorders in the community and found out that 54%.
Speaker C:54% of youths within the community, from, I think 13 to 23 is what I'm thinking somewhere in there, identify as having disordered eating or an eating disorder.
Speaker C:And that is astronomically high.
Speaker C:And that is vastly different than when we're talking about the diet culture.
Speaker C:So, you know, you can say, well, in America, everybody has an eating disorder because we're all hyper focused on body image and what we're eating and not eating and things like that.
Speaker C:But a lot of that is diet culture, and not necessarily my sense of self is related to how I eat and how I see my body or how I see my gender or any of those kinds of things.
Speaker C:That's all intertwined with some of the challenges that the youth are going through.
Speaker C:Another statistic I wrote down because I thought this was fascinating, so I don't remember where this came from, because I didn't write it down.
Speaker C:Shame on the researcher in me.
Speaker C:5% of males in.
Speaker C:In the United States identify, I think, as gay, was the statistic I saw.
Speaker C:And of that 5%, 42% identify.
Speaker C:Oh, 40.
Speaker C:Wait, hold on.
Speaker C:Let me see what I wrote here.
Speaker C:Of the eating disorder males that come into treatment.
Speaker C:I apologize.
Speaker C:Of the eating disorder males that come into treatment, 42 of them.
Speaker C:42% of them identify as gay.
Speaker C:So 5% of the United States males identify as gay.
Speaker C:But within the eating disorder community, the people that seek treatment, which is not always a very high percentage.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:2% of them identify as gay.
Speaker C:So they are struggling at such a high level and utilizing this coping strategy, which, again, if we think of it in terms of my sense of self, isn't that a big part of coming out?
Speaker C:Like, how do I do that?
Speaker C:Is this okay?
Speaker C:Will you still love me?
Speaker C:Will I have a place, Will I get more bullied?
Speaker C:Do I want anyone to know this is happening?
Speaker C:Is this just a phase?
Speaker C:Am I wrong?
Speaker C:So all the questions that you go through can be put on the back burner.
Speaker C:Let's say if your health is compromised because you have a full blown eating disorder, now we have an identity that we have to address.
Speaker C:That's the priority.
Speaker C:We don't necessarily have to deal with the other crises or stressors in our life because this takes priority.
Speaker C:Then we stabilize the eating disorder and we're back to that sense of who we are.
Speaker C:Those parallels, I think, are exasperated because of the challenges of who we are and how, whether it's okay to be who we are, who we see ourselves.
Speaker C:And, and if I see myself this way, what does that mean?
Speaker C:Because I'm, I'm grown up in a, in a family that doesn't believe any of this is real or it's a phase, or we're not going to talk about it until you get over it.
Speaker C:And so, you know, they channel the energy in other coping strategies.
Speaker C:So, you know, eating disorders, drugs, withdrawal, Internet, all kinds of different things.
Speaker C:Instead of being resourced into a community that will allow them to explore who they are, that will allow them to try on different hats, which is really a healthy way of going through adolescence, right?
Speaker C:We're like, I'm gonna be a burnout this week and I'm gonna.
Speaker C:Do they still say that I'm gonna be a popular person, I'm gonna be a musician, you know, but you try those on to figure out who you are.
Speaker C:And if you're not allowed to do that, then you're going to figure out another way of moving through that developmental task.
Speaker C:I'm a little lost because I'm shady here today, but I think if you think in terms of how can I help my loved one figure out who they are and where they're going to fit in the world, how do I help create that for them?
Speaker C:Then you're really addressing the core issue.
Speaker C:In addition to stabilizing, I'm going to tell you a really quick, completely unrelated story, that of my own life.
Speaker C:So.
Speaker C:But it kind of, kind of overlaps with this.
Speaker C:So I adopted my son from Ethiopia when he was 10 months old.
Speaker C:And he was very, very sick.
Speaker C:Very, very malnourished and very sick.
Speaker C:So he came here and, and got all kinds of, of treatments, but really it was nutrition and antibiotics, but it was a year's worth of them.
Speaker C:And then he stabilized and became this, you know, amazing child.
Speaker C:And as he grew up, I Had a sense that he'd have some challenges because of his early, his early days.
Speaker C:You know, there were several times when he almost didn't make it in Ethiopia.
Speaker C:He grew up in, like a tribal community, so it was very different from where I am.
Speaker C:And, and then as he grew up and went into school, we found out that he, he falls under the autism spectrum and he's got, you know, a little bit attention deficit sprinkled in for, for fun.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So, and, and I got such interesting reactions from my community.
Speaker C:How are you going to do this?
Speaker C:I'm a single parent.
Speaker C:I adopted him as a single parent.
Speaker C:So how are you going to handle this?
Speaker C:How are you going to be able to do these things?
Speaker C:And I, and I just, I found that so curious because my initial thought was, well, okay, I'm going to create a world that makes sense to him so he can be the best version of him.
Speaker C:I don't know what that world looks like.
Speaker C:I have no idea.
Speaker C:Because I've never been in the special needs community outside of like a therapeutic help of family.
Speaker C:Get resources.
Speaker C:And so I figure it out as I go.
Speaker C:We kind of wing it.
Speaker C:Sometimes we're awkward about it and sometimes we're great.
Speaker C:And sometimes we have to set boundaries and do things in different places because it's better for him and us.
Speaker C:But, but I figured that out as I go.
Speaker C:So I think it's the same, it's the same dynamic.
Speaker C:You don't get to choose what your, your children are faced with in life, but you can teach them that there are communities, there's resources.
Speaker C:You know, my son is never going to play a sport, but he can do Special Olympics and be a rock star in his community and happy and get all of those things that he needs in the right environment, the right community.
Speaker C:But if I don't let him do that, and I just try and make him fit and get through school and use the resources the school gives me, he won't evolve to his best self.
Speaker C:He'll evolve to the best he can be within what society tells him he should be.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker C:So tangents, okay?
Speaker A:No, not at all.
Speaker A:I think that is such a perfect story because, I mean, for so many reasons.
Speaker A:First of all, bravo.
Speaker A:And oh my gosh.
Speaker A:And your son is so lucky to have you.
Speaker C:He's amazing.
Speaker A:And just having that, I think you, you know, a bunch of things that you touched on that are so important, but having that sense of.
Speaker A:And I think this is a little bit of like tapping into our intuition instead of like paying attention to what Those around us are saying, or society is saying, but tapping into our, our knowledge, right?
Speaker A:Like our internal strength and being like, okay, I've got this.
Speaker A:We can figure this out.
Speaker A:It's going to be messy, right?
Speaker A:Because life is.
Speaker A:We can figure this out, right?
Speaker A:There's.
Speaker A:There's always a solution.
Speaker A:There are always choices.
Speaker A:And I think one of the most important things for these kids and for us is to know, you know, you brought up the, you know, community several times, that there is community and that we are not alone in this.
Speaker A:So, and, and conversely, if we kind of force into the box that, you know, society likes to have the boxes.
Speaker A:So if we force our kids into those boxes, then they are going to feel alone, and we are going to feel alone because they are going to struggle, struggle because of that.
Speaker A:And so it's a whole, like, I just like the kind of the circle there of just tap into your, you know, once again, it goes back to that, tapping into yourself, listening to that, yourself, your intuition and following that and being like, I've got this.
Speaker A:I can do this.
Speaker C:The therapist in me is coming up with, like, little terms I want to say as you're talking.
Speaker C:Like, I want to say drop the woulda, coulda, shoulda.
Speaker C:I would do this.
Speaker C:I should do this.
Speaker C:I could have done this.
Speaker C:Because they don't serve anyone.
Speaker C:They just keep your box, right?
Speaker C:And drop the phrase I can't and replace it with I'm resourceful because I don't know what this challenges as a parent, let's say with.
Speaker C:With an eating disorder, loved one, because it could be anybody in your, in your family, right?
Speaker C:I don't really know what that means, but I'm resourceful, so I'm going to help you figure it out or I'm going to sit with you and go through it.
Speaker C:So if, let's say your challenge is eating a meal, I can sit with you and I can distract you while you get the food in you so you can get past that hump.
Speaker C:And then we can talk about the food later.
Speaker C:But at the table, never talk about the food.
Speaker C:At the buffet, never talk about the food.
Speaker C:If they go to a holiday or a party or a family event, be their ally, be the person that they can go to, give you a look, have some code that they can do.
Speaker C:Like that out, help me and that.
Speaker C:Just be that person to help them move past the anxiety so that they can continue with whatever the task is.
Speaker C:So like, like, let's say the holiday would be the task of going and having fun, right?
Speaker C:If I'M so hyper focused on what they're serving.
Speaker C:I'm not present, I'm not having fun.
Speaker C:I don't know what the heck everybody's been doing since COVID whether it ended in their world or not kind of thing.
Speaker C:I'm just focused on when the food's coming out and how I'm going to fill my plate to look like I'm eating and those kinds of things.
Speaker C:So be the person's ally, you know, let them go and eat the food that feels safe because their anxiety of going to this event that's food focused is the bigger picture than whether they had turkey and mashed potatoes and whatever else they're being served.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker C:So be their ally.
Speaker C:Create that world and be resourceful.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker C:I love that.
Speaker A:That is.
Speaker A:I mean, that's.
Speaker A:And it just.
Speaker A:I have to giggle because I.
Speaker A:Two of the phrases I used are literally directly from my therapist, which I mean you and you are welcome to this one because it's one of my favorite.
Speaker A:Is don't, don't should on yourself.
Speaker A:She said don't shut on yourself.
Speaker A:Right, right.
Speaker A:Love.
Speaker A:And I use it all the time.
Speaker A:And then the idea that we have choices, which for me, I was like, oh, I do.
Speaker A:Like, I don't have to do that.
Speaker A:There are choice.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:We have.
Speaker A:There are always choices.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So I love that you said all of that because I'm like, yeah.
Speaker C:You know, if you don't acknowledge choices, your world gets really small.
Speaker A:Yes, it does.
Speaker A:And scary.
Speaker C:And scary.
Speaker C:Because anything outside of what you're controlling is dangerous and overwhelming.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker C:There's also joy and love, connection, community, and all those things outside of that, that safety, that cocoon that you.
Speaker C:That we create around us sometimes.
Speaker C:So.
Speaker A:Very true.
Speaker C:There's a place in the world for everybody there.
Speaker A:Yes, there is.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's why we do what we do.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker A:Well, I have loved having this conversation.
Speaker A:Is there is anything else that you'd like to add before we wrap up?
Speaker A:I just know this is going to be incredibly helpful and kind of, you know, mind expanding, mind blowing for people.
Speaker C:So, you know, I have loved having this conversation.
Speaker C:I feel like I went off on tangents, so I'm hoping it all comes together for the listener.
Speaker C:But if you have any questions, concerns, feel free to reach out to me.
Speaker C:I can be contacted@teresateresabusser.com that's my website.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And if you're interested, I'm going to do a holiday webinar.
Speaker C:How to survive the holidays.
Speaker C:Food, family and Festivities, and that'll be next week.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And maybe we'll do another one further down as we get closer to December.
Speaker C:But.
Speaker C:But, yeah, I mean, I think those things.
Speaker C:I also have a guide if anyone's interested.
Speaker C:I think you.
Speaker C:You'll share with them as well.
Speaker C:I'm binge eating.
Speaker C:That was my.
Speaker C:My doctoral project was binge eating and mindfulness.
Speaker C:So we created a little.
Speaker C:A little guide to help people with that.
Speaker C:But.
Speaker C:But I've loved this conversation, and I just want anyone who.
Speaker C:Anything that we talked about that resonates with them, please know you're not alone.
Speaker C:There are resources.
Speaker C:There are communities out there.
Speaker C:I'm going to say really quickly because I should have intertwined this, but NEHA National Eating Disorder association is a phenomenal resource.
Speaker C:An ED is a resource for.
Speaker C:If you want to look for a local support group, they run support groups.
Speaker C:And then there's just several other things that are out there.
Speaker C:If you're specific to struggling with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, or any other level of disordered eating.
Speaker C:So those things are out there as well.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And just remember, it's about thoughts, it's about behaviors, and it's about actions.
Speaker C:And what we do when we're in it is serving us or has served us.
Speaker C:So we don't villainize it.
Speaker C:We just try to recognize that it's no longer serving us and we want to come back to our sense of self.
Speaker A:That is awesome.
Speaker A:There's literally nothing I can add to that other than I am going to link all of this in the show notes.
Speaker A:So if any of these things resonated, please know that this is in the show notes and you will be able to click through right from there.
Speaker A:And I'm going to link some of these things on my website as well.
Speaker A:So this will be a standing resource.
Speaker A:Standing resources there.
Speaker A:And I know you said next week, but I want to give the actual date because this is going to post next week.
Speaker A:So it will be November 16th, correct.
Speaker C: At: Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker C:And yeah, we can just reach out in the zoom link and go from there.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Yes, I will have that connected, but I just wanted to clarify that because I didn't want just.
Speaker A:Just as people are listening to know exactly the date and the time so much.
Speaker A:You are very welcome.
Speaker C:Keep doing what you're doing, Heather.
Speaker C:Keep doing what you're doing.
Speaker A:Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker C:All right, take care.
Speaker B:And now it's time for your parenting LGBTQ and A.
Speaker B:So today is day 14 of my magic Mind Challenge.
Speaker B:And again.
Speaker B:And I'm honestly really pleasantly surprised.
Speaker B:It has been a lovely addition to my morning routine and it has allowed me to increase my water intake because I'm not craving that caffeine pickup like I was before.
Speaker B:So I think it's a total win win.
Speaker B:I also have to say that even though the lingering fatigue from my running in with COVID has been super annoying, I also feel like this magic little shot has helped with the focus factor even while my body has been recovering.
Speaker B:So here is my verdict of magic mind at the end of my 14 days each day, my energy levels and my ability to stay in my productive zone have gotten a little bit longer.
Speaker B:And when I'm craving the taste and the warmth of coffee, I can go full decaf because I don't need that added boost in the afternoon.
Speaker B:The really great news is that you can still take advantage of 20% off your entire purchase using the code BREATHE14.
Speaker B:That's B R E A T H E 14 this is good until the end of November, November 30th.
Speaker B:So please jump on there, take advantage and try this out.
Speaker B:All of these details are in the show notes and on social media.
Speaker B:And Remember to tag 14 Days of Magic to help save the Amazon.
Speaker B:This episode's LGBTQ A touches on the very popular question who gets to tell who and when?
Speaker B:As I mentioned at the beginning of the episode November 29th episode, we'll go in depth on this, but with American Thanksgiving falling next week, I thought I'd give a few quick 1.
Speaker B:This is a fabulous opportunity to connect with your child and work to get on the same page.
Speaker B:If you have one driving thought, let it be this.
Speaker B:This is their story.
Speaker B:Your child's story.
Speaker B:You are a supporting actor, so to speak, when it comes to who to tell and when.
Speaker B:2.
Speaker B:Ask them these three questions.
Speaker B:Who do they want to tell and when?
Speaker B:2.
Speaker B:Who do they want you to tell and when?
Speaker B:And three who do they want to tell and have you present while they are telling them?
Speaker B:Number three if there are points of disagreement, take a breath and ask calm, clarifying questions.
Speaker B:And four if your child is adamant about telling someone and you are struggling with that for whatever reason, I'm going to circle back to this.
Speaker B:This is your child's story.
Speaker B:Your job is to support and protect your child, not shield others feelings.
Speaker B:Your child needs to know that you have their back no matter what.
Speaker B:Work out your stuff on your own time and let others work out theirs.
Speaker B:And that's it.
Speaker B:No need to make it difficult.
Speaker B:You have enough on your plate right now.
Speaker B:Remember to subscribe to the podcast and sign up up for my emails to get notifications of new episodes.
Speaker B:Until next time.
Speaker B:Thanks so much for joining me today.
Speaker B:If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful.
Speaker B:For a rating or a review.
Speaker B:Click on the link in the show notes or go to my website chrysalismama.com to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me.
Speaker B:Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone and remember to just breathe until next time.
Speaker A:It.
