Episode 99
Unlocking the Power of Listening: Transform Your Relationships
What if the key to transforming our relationships was as simple as truly listening?
Candy Motzek, a celebrated coach known for her thought-provoking insights, unravels this very idea in our enlightening conversation. Together, we delve into the three levels of listening, from the surface level to a holistic approach that encompasses words, body language, pace, and the gaps in between. Truly listening is not just about hearing the words; it's about completely immersing ourselves in the conversation and giving it our complete focus.
Listening emerges as a transformative force in relationships in the latest episode of Just Breathe, where Heather Hester converses with the insightful Candy Motzek. The discussion begins with a powerful inquiry into the nature of our interactions: How might our lives shift if we prioritized listening over speaking? Candy's expertise shines as she elaborates on the three levels of listening, drawing a vivid picture of how many of us engage at a superficial level, often distracted by our inner thoughts rather than fully being present for others. This episode serves as both a tutorial and an invitation to challenge ourselves to become more attuned to what is being expressed—not just through words, but also through tone, body language, and the emotional nuances that accompany conversations.
Candy shares heartfelt anecdotes and practical strategies that listeners can implement in their daily lives, particularly in the context of parenting. She addresses the common scenario of parents feeling overwhelmed yet striving to engage meaningfully with their children. The conversation emphasizes the importance of being physically and emotionally present, suggesting techniques such as eye contact and mindful body language to enhance connection. As they navigate through these themes, the episode highlights that listening is a vital act of love and respect, fostering deeper bonds within families and communities. It becomes clear that improving our listening skills can lead to more fulfilling relationships and a greater sense of belonging.
The episode also touches on Candy's work with new coaches, emphasizing that effective listening is essential in the coaching process. As she guides aspiring coaches on their journeys, she reinforces the idea that the ability to listen deeply not only enriches personal relationships but also enhances professional development. This multifaceted discussion ultimately advocates for a shift in mindset towards valuing listening as an essential skill that can transform not only individual lives but also the broader societal landscape. By embracing this practice, listeners are inspired to cultivate a more empathetic approach to their interactions, enriching their experiences and the lives of those around them.
Takeaways:
- Listening more and talking less can significantly transform your relationships and connections.
- Active listening is an essential skill that can enhance communication with your children.
- The three levels of listening can help you become a more present communicator.
- Creating a judgment-free zone encourages open dialogue and connection with your kids.
- Recognizing non-verbal cues is just as important as the words being spoken.
- The act of listening is a powerful way to show love and respect to others.
Links referenced in this episode:
About Our Guest:
Candy Motzek is an author, podcast host , and business coach for life coaches.
Candy helps smart people start successful coaching businesses. She believes that coaching transforms lives and that being a coach is a calling. She helps her clients get unstuck & feel more confidence and clarity so they can play bigger, sign clients & create more meaningful success. She is a 'recovering' corporate executive & engineer who combines practical strategy & mindset in her calming unique approach.
https://stepintosuccessnow.com/
https://www.facebook.com/CoachCandyM
https://www.instagram.com/candymotzek/
https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/she-coaches-coaches/id1527473940
Connect with Heather:
The Perfect Holiday Gift! Give a copy of Heather's new book, Parenting with Pride.
Get Your *free* Holiday Survival Guide
Access the course, Learning to Parent with Pride!
Work with Heather one-on-one or bring her into your organization to speak or run a workshop!
Please subscribe to, rate, and review Just Breathe. And, as always, please share with anyone who needs to know they are not alone!
Email: hh@chrysalismama.com
Transcript
Welcome back to Just Breathe.
Heather Hester:I am so happy that you are with me today.
Heather Hester:Have you ever wondered if you would be good at coaching others or even if there's a niche out there that is exactly for your passion?
Heather Hester:Today's guest is absolutely brilliant at coaching people through that exploration process.
Heather Hester:Candy Motsak spent years as a senior leader in corporate and as an engineer and then decided to make that change and do something that she loved.
Heather Hester:She is passionate about coaching other coaches and teaching other people how to become coaches.
Heather Hester:She coaches successful people to gain clarity, grow in confidence, and take action on what matters.
Heather Hester:I feel so lucky to have Candy as a friend and a mentor.
Heather Hester:I've had the privilege of working with her as a coach and alongside her in a mastermind group.
Heather Hester:Candy knows how to peel back those layers and really help people work through their sticking points.
Heather Hester:I am so delighted to share our conversation with you.
Heather Hester:Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting, your LGBTQ team, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.
Heather Hester:My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here.
Heather Hester:I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest.
Heather Hester:Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat.
Heather Hester:Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
Candy Motsak:Welcome back to Just Breathe.
Candy Motsak:I am so happy you are all here.
Candy Motsak:I am delighted to welcome back a dear friend of mine and a brilliant coach, Candy Motzek.
Candy Motsak:And we have had lots of really, really interesting conversations over time, and a lot of them lead back to listening.
Candy Motsak:And so I'm going to pose a question to everyone listening.
Candy Motsak:How would your relationships change if you listened more and talked less?
Candy Motsak:And I just want you to think about that for a moment.
Candy Motsak:And, Candy, I wonder if you could jump in because you have so many brilliant thoughts about this that you.
Candy Motsak:That you've shared over time.
Candy Motsak:But we've had such interesting conversations that are kind of, you know, not your typical.
Candy Motsak:Well, this is what you need to do.
Candy Motsak:One, two, three.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:It's the kind of thinking I don't want to say out of the box, because that's such an overused term, but that just like seeing the corners that not you don't see yourself.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:So would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And so I think that listening is one of the things that we can completely transform our relationships with.
Speaker C:I know that it's really.
Speaker C:You've probably heard this before about, you know, listen or listen to understand before you respond.
Speaker C:But we still live in a world where we talk a lot, we have a lot of opinions about things.
Speaker C:And it's not just even the talking where the words come out of your mouth.
Speaker C:It's when you're in conversation with somebody and there's talking inside your head.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Like you're not even listening to what they say.
Speaker C:And so I think that then there's this complete lack of connection, and we don't even realize we're doing it.
Speaker C:And we actually think we're listening, but we're not.
Speaker C:So I really like this topic because it's something that you don't need a huge amount of practice.
Speaker C:You don't need to go and get your master's degree.
Speaker C:You can just take a couple of easy steps and actually shift how you do it in the moment.
Candy Motsak:You can.
Candy Motsak:It's.
Candy Motsak:It's that idea of becoming more aware.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Aware of what you're doing.
Candy Motsak:Because what you just said, so many of us do, we listen to respond, we listen to what's being said, and we're already formulating 10 seconds in how we wish to respond to that.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:Instead of listening to here, listening to understand, listening to connect, we're all guilty of it.
Candy Motsak:So how do we tap into.
Candy Motsak:What can we do to really tap into that awareness, that space of slowing, you know, whether it is slowing things down a little bit or shifting.
Speaker C:So when I took my coach training originally, and I know they still teach the same principle, they teach three levels of listening.
Speaker C:And so each of us listens at three different levels, but we're just not conscious of it.
Speaker C:So sometimes the first and most important point is just being aware that it happens.
Speaker C:And when you kind of recognize it, then you can decide for yourself.
Speaker C:You know, this awareness, like you said, bringing it into consciousness is everything.
Speaker C:So the three levels of listening are like this.
Speaker C:The first level, level one is where you're in conversation with somebody and you're listening to them overtly.
Speaker C:You know, you're looking at them kinda, but inside your head you're thinking, oh, that's stupid.
Speaker C:That'll never work.
Speaker C:Oh, gosh, I forgot to buy milk at the grocery store.
Speaker C:Hmm.
Speaker C:I wonder if I have time to slip down and put, you know, my load of laundry into the dryer.
Speaker C:Oh, gosh, I hope I didn't put in my new shirt.
Speaker C:Into the dryer.
Speaker C:So you've got this inner monologue happening while you're standing there sort of kind of listening.
Speaker C:And we're probably more respectful to people that are outside of our family even, right?
Speaker C:But people inside of our family, the ones that are actually the closest to us and mean the most to us, that's.
Speaker C:Those are the ones that it's so easy for us to slip out into.
Speaker C:That level one listening.
Speaker C:Level two listening was always described to me like the first date.
Speaker C:It's like that, the Disney film with the two dogs with this single strand of spaghetti.
Speaker C:They're gazing into each other's eyes, right?
Speaker C:And they only have eyes for each other.
Speaker C:And that strand of spaghetti that they're sharing, they don't even realize they're eating the same strand until all of a sudden, there they are.
Speaker C:So you're, like, totally infatuated and engrossed and just like, you can't even see anything else.
Speaker C:You just see that other person.
Speaker C:So that's level two.
Speaker C:And then level three is where you're listening to the person.
Speaker C:You're listening to the words.
Speaker C:You're listening by looking and seeing their mannerisms.
Speaker C:You're listening to the speed of how they talk, the space between their words, what's happening in the space around them, and what's not being said.
Speaker C:So that's a much more holistic listening.
Speaker C:And the best example that I've ever heard of that is when you are at work and you arrive a little bit late for a meeting, and you walk into that meeting room and everybody stops talking, and you could just cut the energy in there with a knife.
Speaker C:It's like, oh, gosh, something happened.
Speaker C:What happened?
Speaker C:What happened?
Speaker C:That.
Speaker C:Where you can feel that something was going on.
Speaker C:So that's an indication of how you can feel that third level of listening as well.
Candy Motsak:Wow, that is.
Candy Motsak:That's such a great visual for all three of them.
Candy Motsak:Because I'm sure as we're all listening, we're thinking, yeah, I've done all of those, probably more of one and two.
Candy Motsak:And we aspire to do number three.
Candy Motsak:But that kind of listening requires focus, and it requires also the ability to stop doing anything else that you're doing.
Candy Motsak:Right?
Candy Motsak:So whether it's.
Candy Motsak:I.
Candy Motsak: out, you know, when it's like: Candy Motsak:You know, whether you've just stopped working or you just have had a really long day, you just need that, like, 30 minutes of like quiet and you're sitting on the couch and whether you're on your phone on TikTok or you know, playing Candy Crush or maybe even reading a book, which would be so lovely and such a good use of your time.
Candy Motsak:And then your teenager walks in and they have all these things to say to you, right?
Candy Motsak:And you know, this is a golden opportunity and yet you're so tired.
Candy Motsak:So you're in that space of like, I literally just want to like do nothing, right?
Candy Motsak:And you have to put all of that aside and like click in and to your point.
Candy Motsak:And I actually think this is what makes that level one type of listening easier to practice, is because you are using all of your senses, right?
Candy Motsak:You're using the visual cues that you know about your child, right?
Candy Motsak:You're obviously using your hearing to hear what they're saying, but you are feeling their energy.
Candy Motsak:We all know what our kids energy feels like, right?
Candy Motsak:And the different types of energy that they, that comes off of them and all of those little subtle cues that you're getting.
Candy Motsak:So you have to be locked in.
Candy Motsak:And I, I do think that takes practice and it does take that.
Candy Motsak:You know, you do go through one level one, you're like, I just, please leave me alone.
Speaker C:I love you, but leave me alone.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:The good night.
Candy Motsak:Just be 30 seconds tonight.
Candy Motsak:Like, yes, yes, totally.
Candy Motsak:And then, you know, perhaps in those moments we skip over level two or just, you know, when we realize that we're needed for level three, we can, we can click in there.
Candy Motsak:But I do, I love that those visuals because I think that makes it so much easier for, for each of us to know what we're, what we need to work on to be better listeners.
Candy Motsak:Where we get tripped up, right?
Candy Motsak:What things tend to distract us.
Candy Motsak:I think for many of us that would be our phones, right?
Candy Motsak:Like, I've had to like throw my phone to like a different couch just so it doesn't even like begin to distract me.
Candy Motsak:Like just lock it in, right?
Candy Motsak:So, and God love them, like especially my 17 year old, like never even notices.
Candy Motsak:Like once she launches in, she is in and lots of everything's just coming, right?
Candy Motsak:So good.
Speaker C:I just want to say that there are so many parents that would be so jealous that their 17 year old wants to talk to them.
Speaker C:You know, how many kids, when they get to 12 or 13, and you know, it happens at different ages for all kids, but there's this time where sometimes they just don't want to.
Speaker C:They just don't want to talk to you, right?
Speaker C:That how how was your day?
Speaker C:Not even.
Speaker C:Not even a word.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So.
Candy Motsak:Sometimes it's just a look.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:Yeah, yeah, Right.
Speaker C:That's.
Speaker C:Sometimes me, I'm just looking at them.
Speaker C:It's not just one.
Speaker C:The hormones are going all the way, right?
Candy Motsak:Oh, my gosh.
Candy Motsak:Yes.
Candy Motsak:Ah, yeah.
Candy Motsak:Where it takes every fiber of your being to, like, keep all of everything that's going on with you just locked in so it doesn't spill out onto them because it's not their stuff.
Candy Motsak:But you're like, yeah, totally.
Candy Motsak:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:So I wanted to, you know, like, your first question, I don't think I actually answered that.
Speaker C:And I think about what would be the change if we listened more and talked less?
Speaker C:And it's kind of interesting because you would have.
Speaker C:I have this idea that listening is an act of love and that this is one of the ways that we really can show our love for anybody.
Speaker C:You know, like, it doesn't have to be your love for your child or your partner or a friend, just, you know, your love for somebody else as a human, that you give them your attention.
Speaker C:And when I listen to you, it shows that I respect you, that I accept you, that you are valuable, that you're.
Speaker C:There's the, you know, our human need to feel validated.
Speaker C:And if you matter enough for me to listen to you, then that is powerful stuff.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Like, think about how, you know, life would be if every person, youth, adult, senior, actually had the feeling that they were listened to, that they were respected and accepted a little bit every day.
Speaker C:I think that that would transform the world.
Candy Motsak:It absolutely would.
Candy Motsak:Yeah, it absolutely would.
Candy Motsak:Because think of how many people just feel invisible.
Candy Motsak:Right?
Candy Motsak:They don't feel seen, they don't feel heard.
Candy Motsak:And those are the two most important ways that you can show any human being that they are cared for.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And so this, you know, like, we were talking.
Speaker C:You're talking about the evening when you're already tired and you've, you know, your teenager walks in.
Speaker C:But, like, what about the person that helps you check out at the grocery store?
Speaker C:You know, like, are they just a faceless, nameless individual with a uniform and a name badge?
Speaker C:Or is there an opportunity there just to actually say, hey, how was your day?
Speaker C:And actually connect with them and create that connection, you know?
Candy Motsak:Yeah, yeah.
Candy Motsak:Even I think an eye contact and just that sincere.
Candy Motsak:A lot of this can be, you know, nonverbal communication.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:But that shows that you're.
Candy Motsak:You are present there in that moment with them.
Candy Motsak:It's powerful.
Speaker C:Yeah, yeah, it really is.
Speaker C:And it's funny because it's a.
Speaker C:It's a tool in your coaching toolkit as a coach.
Speaker C:But it's such an important.
Speaker C:Such an important.
Speaker C:I can't even use the word tool.
Speaker C:Such an important component of being a human and being in relationship with people.
Speaker C:I was thinking about.
Speaker C:So what do you do if you're sitting there talking to your teenager and you realize that you're self absorbed and you're in level one and you're thinking about the laundry and how do you make that switch?
Speaker C:You know, so now you've got that awareness and then you're like, oh, gosh, I'm here anyway, and they want to talk.
Speaker C:Wow, that's amazing.
Speaker C:How do I switch?
Speaker C:How do I notice?
Speaker C:How do I switch?
Speaker C:And so this is something that, you know, coaches learn how to do.
Speaker C:And so what you had just said about first to begin with, just look at the person.
Speaker C:Just actually take your gaze and look at them and not give them the death stare, you know, like this, this is not like glaring at them to look at them, but look at them.
Speaker C:Look at, like when they're talking, are their hands flapping around?
Speaker C:Are their shoulders tight around their neck?
Speaker C:Are they smiling?
Speaker C:Are they open?
Speaker C:Or are they.
Speaker C:Or is there tension rolling off of them?
Speaker C:You know, so look at them and look at how they're being.
Speaker C:And that in itself is a component of listening.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker C:It's not just the words, it's what's not being said as well.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Speaker C:Just as much so.
Speaker C:Just that you notice, oh, gosh, I'm in my own head worried about my laundry and there's something going on.
Speaker C:I decide that I want to listen and then I turn and I gaze at them.
Speaker C:And just that alone will help to switch you.
Candy Motsak:Totally.
Candy Motsak:Totally.
Candy Motsak:That was going to be my next question for you.
Candy Motsak:So I'm so glad you said that because you read my mind and that is such a.
Candy Motsak:You're absolutely right.
Candy Motsak:Even that little step of pulls you outside, pulls you out of your head, right?
Candy Motsak:And gets you engaged and noticing, kind of taking note of what they're doing.
Candy Motsak:Are they pacing?
Candy Motsak:Are they standing?
Candy Motsak:Are they sitting?
Candy Motsak:What is the pitch of their voice?
Candy Motsak:You know, is it so fast that you cannot understand?
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Or you're like watching every third word.
Candy Motsak:So, you know, and I think there are certain things that are very, very particular to age and just behaviors are highly.
Candy Motsak:I just find so highly entertaining as I think, you know, I was just sitting here thinking to each of my, each of my kids at different ages, just the, the ways that they when they decide that they want to talk to you, it's never like a formal, like, could we possibly have a conversation at 4:00 today?
Candy Motsak:Right?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:You know, they come bop in your office or they sit on the desk.
Speaker C:Right in front of you, right?
Speaker C:Oh, you want to talk?
Speaker C:Do you?
Speaker C:Okay.
Candy Motsak:They're literally mid sentence and you're like, oh, wait, yeah, they're totally, like, they're clicked in.
Candy Motsak:I've got to, like, shut this down.
Candy Motsak:Because anything that they have to say is, you know, it's important if they're wanting to talk.
Candy Motsak:Even checking in, I think, you know, it doesn't always have to be something important, but even those moments of checking in, you know, I think about when you're, like, checking in with your partner or checking in, you know, catching up for 10 minutes with a, you know, a good friend.
Candy Motsak:How do we do that?
Candy Motsak:Right?
Candy Motsak:And I mean, let's take it one step further.
Candy Motsak:What if we're connecting like this on Zoom?
Candy Motsak:So you and I have known each other for about a year and a half.
Candy Motsak:We've only known each other on Zoom.
Speaker C:I would never even know how to talk to you if I met you in person.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Because then you'd have an entire body.
Speaker C:Instead, right now, you're this, you know, from the waist up, individual.
Speaker C:I don't.
Speaker C:Do you wear shoes?
Candy Motsak:I don't know.
Candy Motsak:You know, what I typically wear?
Candy Motsak:This is what I'll show you.
Candy Motsak:That's right.
Candy Motsak:Oh, cool.
Candy Motsak:Oh, my little slipper.
Speaker C:Nice.
Candy Motsak:Because they're comfy.
Candy Motsak:Thank you.
Speaker C:Cool.
Speaker C:Those are better than what I've gone on.
Candy Motsak:See, now, now, everybody.
Speaker C:Yes.
Candy Motsak:Now you all know what I wear when I'm.
Speaker C:But they're cute and they're fluffy.
Candy Motsak:They're cute and comfortable, and I don't need to have my feet on camera.
Candy Motsak:And even if I did, they're kind of cute.
Candy Motsak:So.
Candy Motsak:But yes, I know it's the craziest thing, but this is like being able to.
Candy Motsak:I think that's one of, like, the magical things when so many of us have had to create relationships over the past few years this way to really.
Candy Motsak:I think it's actually forced us to be better listeners because we really have to.
Candy Motsak:And I think we've all not realized that we're doing it right.
Candy Motsak:It's such a subconscious thing.
Candy Motsak:But we're looking for, you know, facial clues.
Candy Motsak:We're looking for the tone of voice.
Candy Motsak:We're looking for, like, how is the person moving?
Candy Motsak:And you're never quite sure if you're looking at someone or not.
Candy Motsak:Because oftentimes our cameras are in, like, weird places.
Candy Motsak:So we feel like we may be staring at the person we're talking to, but our camera is somewhere else.
Candy Motsak:So it's, you know, so you don't have that piece of, like, necessary eye contact.
Candy Motsak:Yeah, right.
Candy Motsak:So, I mean, that's a whole different level of listening.
Speaker C:And so because I coach only on zoom, that's.
Speaker C:I.
Speaker C:I do really notice how much I look at what's happening with their body.
Speaker C:And it sounds, you know, like you can tell some.
Speaker C:Everybody has a tell if they're uncomfortable.
Speaker C:They do.
Speaker C:There's something that they do.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So.
Speaker C:And so it's like, oh, okay, we're in uncomfortable territory because your left shoulder is up around your ear and your right shoulder is normal.
Speaker C:Oh, okay, I understand that now.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And so that just.
Speaker C:It helps to inform me about what's going on.
Speaker C:The problem with noticing at that level is that it can make somebody feel self conscious.
Speaker C:And so you need to be quite respectful about how you bring that across.
Speaker C:Because then if I say, hey, every time you're uncomfortable, your left shoulder goes up around your ear and your right shoulder stays normal.
Speaker C:They're like, they're.
Speaker C:They can't even think about what to talk about because they're so busy trying to monitor what's happening with their body.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:It's terrible.
Speaker C:I wanted to just say that there is a little physical trick.
Speaker C:Not just the looking, Looking.
Speaker C:Gazing at the person, but there is a.
Speaker C:It's easier to listen if you physically relax.
Speaker C:That is another thing that I found.
Speaker C:So, you know, just like your podcast, just breathe often.
Speaker C:Just take a breath and allow your body to relax a little and gaze at the person.
Speaker C:And that can really help you kind of get clicked into the listening.
Speaker C:And then from a.
Speaker C:I guess it's a corporate standpoint, if you're at home and your kids come home and they're like, they want your attention right now.
Speaker C:Something's going on.
Speaker C:A way that you subconsciously can show them that you're actually paying attention is to swivel or turn towards them and point your feet at them.
Speaker C:If your feet are pointed at the person, like, if they're standing over in the doorway and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening.
Speaker C:And you really believe you're listening.
Speaker C:They may not feel heard, but if you actually turn and point your feet to them, then they will actually feel like, okay, she is paying attention to me.
Speaker C:He is noticing me.
Speaker C:They are engaged here in this conversation.
Speaker C:And so just that small thing of, like, move Your feet so that they're pointing at the person.
Speaker C:And this works for anybody.
Speaker C:It even works on zoom.
Speaker C:If I'm talking to you and I'm kind of over, like, this, you're like, hello, what are you doing?
Candy Motsak:Right.
Speaker C:What are you doing?
Candy Motsak:It's so true.
Candy Motsak:Because have you ever been on a call when somebody's been, like, doing work and they're like, over here, like, doing this?
Candy Motsak:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:And you can tell they're, like, totally engaged in another project, and you're like, are you there?
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Yeah.
Speaker C:So take a deep breath.
Speaker C:Relax.
Speaker C:Just breathe.
Speaker C:Move your gaze to the person.
Speaker C:And then for somebody who, you know, like, if you're like, hey, I really am paying attention to you, turn and move your feet and point your feet towards them.
Speaker C:And that will also start to train you.
Speaker C:The person who wants to listen that, oh, we're in listening mode now.
Speaker C:I've just turned and I faced them.
Speaker C:Now I am focused on them.
Speaker C:And so those little things can really make a big difference.
Candy Motsak:They can.
Candy Motsak:And I'm so glad you said the thing about the breath, because that is such a subconscious thing that we, you know, do or don't do.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:So to take that really deep breath and kind of helps get you centered, Recentered.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Like, with that person.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:Pulled away from whatever else you were doing, and you're there.
Candy Motsak:And.
Candy Motsak:And especially, you know, in the case we never quite know what our kids are going to bring us.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Or.
Candy Motsak:Or anybody really, for that matter.
Candy Motsak:But kind of if you're in a more calm state and just present, then whatever they're telling you, whatever you're hearing, whatever you are learning, you are able to learn in a space that is not like this.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Like, just all what's going to happen?
Candy Motsak:What's going on?
Candy Motsak:Oh, my gosh.
Candy Motsak:Right?
Candy Motsak:It's okay.
Candy Motsak:Here we are.
Candy Motsak:All right.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:No, this also applies when they just want to.
Speaker C:Like, they don't even want to talk.
Speaker C:Like, maybe your kids are big talkers, but mine aren't always.
Speaker C:And they're adults now in any case, but sometimes they just kind of want to be close to you.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And so you.
Speaker C:It's not that you have to create a conversation so that you can listen, but again, and they might just come into your space and kind of flop down on that chair beside you, and they're like.
Speaker C:They're not saying anything, but you're like, oh, oh, hey, what's good?
Speaker C:What's going on?
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And so just to kind of allow yourself to be present, and maybe that's all they need is just that it's not that they always need to express and be heard and listened to.
Speaker C:Sometimes they just need the connection.
Speaker C:And so you can use that kind of level three listening, the more holistic level three listening, just to connect with them.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Doesn't have to be words, it doesn't have to be a verbal conversation.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:It's just like, hey, how's it going?
Candy Motsak:Great.
Speaker C:And then that's enough.
Candy Motsak:Right, Exactly.
Candy Motsak:And I think too, that speaks to, you know, as much as I think we can get inside of our own heads about I need to look for this, I should be thinking about this, I need to be aware of this.
Candy Motsak:And just like taking that minute and being like sometimes they do just want to be around us, to take in our energy.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Because they just need to be, you know, in that space of, you know, comfort or just know that they are unconditionally loved, that they are seen, that you've, you've got them and, and that it's, you know, a space that you also can allow to be messy because that makes it comfortable too.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:So a lot of unspoken ways to listen as well.
Speaker C:Very much.
Speaker C:There was something else here that I think is as our kids grow older and we practice listening to them and also, you know, this is for partners and heck, I'm still learning as well.
Speaker C:Partners and family members and everybody when we show them respect by listening to them, it really, the spin off is that we trust them, that we know, we believe that they can take whatever is the next step for them.
Speaker C:We don't think that we need to kind of rush in and fix it for them.
Speaker C:Like we, that that's a big deal.
Speaker C:Like as a parent to have trust that, okay, well, this is what's going on.
Speaker C:But I'll just sit here and I'll listen to you and a place of, of lack of judgment, you know, and so that's, that's the part that I always find a little messy.
Speaker C:If I'm listening, I'm like, I want to be present, I want to listen.
Speaker C:And then in my head I'm going like, oh, oh, ah, no, that sounds terrible.
Speaker C:You know, what will the neighbors think?
Speaker C:Oh my gosh, you know, like, will you be okay?
Speaker C:Will you actually get into the college that we want you to get into?
Speaker C:Like, you know, like there's all this inner judgment.
Speaker C:And so I really found that this one sentence just helped me so much.
Speaker C:And it still does.
Speaker C:I mean, my kids are adults and they still have good times and challenging times because they're Human.
Speaker C:And when you sort of start to feel that like the kind of the worry and the judgment and that like will it be okay?
Speaker C:That questioning.
Speaker C:There's just this one thought that my only job is to love them.
Speaker C:That's it, you know, and so that quiets my worry.
Speaker C:Like I know that my only job here is to love them.
Speaker C:And that includes accepting them, believing that they'll figure it out, believing that they're resourceful and that I respect them.
Speaker C:I can respect my.
Speaker C:A ten year old, I can respect a five year old.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Like that is huge.
Speaker C:There's nothing worse than being disrespected when you're a five year old and you've, you know.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Well, and I, you know, I think that when they're that age, there's often that feeling as a parent, like there's a ton of pressure you put on yourself as a parent.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:I'm supposed to be teaching and I'm supposed to be.
Candy Motsak:They're supposed to be learning from me and they're supposed to be well behaved and I'm supposed to.
Candy Motsak:If they're not well behaved, then that's on me as the parent.
Candy Motsak:And you know, all the narratives that you have going on in your head now, I think that's probably, you know, definitely true for our generation.
Candy Motsak:I think it is definitely shifting, which is a wonderful thing in a lot of ways.
Candy Motsak:And really being able to see those little ones too is like, all right, little human, like we're gonna, we're gonna go get this together and figure it out.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Instead of this like extraordinary feeling of I've got it, like putting all your stuff on them, essentially.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:I mean, that's essentially what it is.
Candy Motsak:And so whatever ever stuff you come into parenthood with, and that's what you're kind of end up dumping on your kid.
Candy Motsak:So I do love that that is shifting because these little people do have.
Candy Motsak:They're magical.
Candy Motsak:I mean.
Candy Motsak:Right?
Speaker C:Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Candy Motsak:So fun, you know, so much.
Speaker C:And I just, there's a, you know, like you've got a large audience of listeners and I really want them to appreciate how many kids don't have parents or allies that really want to love them and want to listen to them.
Speaker C:So this is stuff that you can do with your kids, friends.
Speaker C:It doesn't just have to be with your own family sometimes that just makes all the difference in the world, right.
Speaker C:14 years old and they happen to be over at your place eating pizza and you can listen to those kids too.
Speaker C:And that can turn their life Around.
Speaker C:Not everybody has a family life that allows for, you know, allows for relationships and got a lot of parents that are dealing with a lot of hard times.
Candy Motsak:Creating that space where kids feel like they can just be who they are.
Speaker C:Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Candy Motsak:Yeah.
Candy Motsak:That whole judgment free zone.
Candy Motsak:Oh, my goodness.
Candy Motsak:Yes.
Candy Motsak:We could go down a whole other road there.
Candy Motsak:But I would love to talk a little bit before we finish about your work, because I have a feeling there are lots of people listening who would be quite interested in what you do.
Candy Motsak:And I know we touched on it the last time you were on, so if you all have already heard Candy's first episode, you get to hear even more this time.
Candy Motsak:And it's awesome.
Candy Motsak:But, you know, there are a million coaches out there and coaches of all kinds, Right.
Candy Motsak:I mean, you and I do very different types of coaching, but I think that you, like me, do very specific kinds of coaching, and you coach people who are beginning coaches and even coaches who are on their path who are learning.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:And like I said at the beginning, you have a way of.
Candy Motsak:Not only are you extraordinarily organized, so anybody who is coming from.
Candy Motsak:I know you came from a corporate background.
Candy Motsak:Not everybody's coming from that type of corporate background where you understand systems, you understand just the order of how a business should be run.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:A lot of people are coming from lots of different areas.
Candy Motsak:So you are so good at being able to hone in on what that person needs to focus on in that moment to help them get to the next step.
Candy Motsak:So, you know, over time, as I've worked with you, I've gone back and looked at my different notes from our different meetings, and I think, oh, my goodness.
Candy Motsak:Like, I literally had.
Candy Motsak:I didn't have training rails on when you met me like I just had.
Candy Motsak:And I will tell all of you.
Candy Motsak:I don't know if I told this in the first.
Candy Motsak:You know, when we had our first episode together, but I remember when we first met, when we were in that very first call together, and there was something.
Candy Motsak:And this is why I firmly believe that you can have energetic connections with people over zoom.
Candy Motsak:Because I met you in that call and there was like.
Candy Motsak:There was.
Candy Motsak:I just knew.
Candy Motsak:I was like, I have to know this person and we have to work together in some capacity.
Candy Motsak:I wasn't sure what it was because I had no idea what you did, but I was like, the inner.
Candy Motsak:There was something.
Candy Motsak:And it's so.
Candy Motsak:It's been true over.
Candy Motsak:Over time.
Candy Motsak:And the way that you work with people is so very individualized.
Candy Motsak:And you Are very good at really honing in on.
Candy Motsak:Okay, this is what this person wants to do and this is how I can get them to that spot.
Candy Motsak:So I'd love.
Candy Motsak:Now that I've love said a lot, if you could just add a little bit about what you are doing right now, which are a couple of cool things.
Candy Motsak:You are doing a couple of cool things now and you have a couple of cool things in the works.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:So I think what the thing that I love the most is that working with new coaches, this is a group of people who have this.
Speaker C:There's a couple of themes.
Speaker C:They always knew that they were meant for more, but they didn't know what that was.
Speaker C:And now they've found it because it's like it's coaching and it's this kind of thing that I really want to do.
Speaker C:So that's super exciting.
Speaker C:And then the other thing that happens is that they want to have an impact.
Speaker C:Like, you know, like you want to make a difference with what you're doing.
Speaker C:And then they also want to make money.
Speaker C:Like fair and simple.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Like, why not have a coaching practice that makes money so that you can do great things with the money that you make.
Speaker C:So I work with people in a couple of different ways.
Speaker C:I love the customized piece and it reminds me of just that, honoring that each of us has a unique path.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Like, I might work with 10 coaches, but one of them has this great gift of working one on one with people.
Speaker C:And so, you know, how do we create something custom that satisfies their individual gifts?
Speaker C:And then another person might not know exactly what their preferred way is.
Speaker C:So then we get to go on a bit of a treasure hunt and figure it out.
Speaker C:And so that's.
Speaker C:That's the fun part is the custom is become a coach, know that you were meant for more, and this is the thing that you want to do.
Speaker C:And then figure out the way to do exactly what's right for you at this time.
Speaker C:So that's essentially how I work with people.
Speaker C:A lot of one on one work.
Speaker C:I love my private clients dearly.
Speaker C:It's just so rewarding to see people grow and create something that really works for them.
Speaker C:And then I will be moving more into the group space as well.
Speaker C:It's going to be more of a casual group where you can come in and be part of a community.
Speaker C:Because other coaches kind of get like, we get each other, right?
Speaker C:Your partner may not quite understand what you're doing, but the other coaches do.
Speaker C:So it's a community.
Speaker C:And then we'll have coaching.
Speaker C:And the coaching is the fun part because when one person is being coached and somebody else is listening, they can say, oh, that applies to me too.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And I.
Speaker C:Yeah, so that's.
Speaker C:That's going to be the next evolution is group coaching.
Speaker C:And then I have a fun little shop that I'm populating right now with all kinds of coaching tools and resources and fun things, too.
Speaker C:So I just.
Speaker C:It's a creative playground for me.
Speaker C:Honestly, I just love it.
Candy Motsak:I love.
Candy Motsak:And what's the name of the shop?
Speaker C:It is not the Candy Shop, but I should call it the Candy Shop.
Candy Motsak:So I.
Candy Motsak:I thought we had gotten there.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And it has to be shot ppe, you know, like within Squirrely writing.
Speaker C:Right.
Candy Motsak:Exactly.
Candy Motsak:Exactly.
Candy Motsak:Oh, my goodness.
Candy Motsak:So if people want to learn more, how can they find you?
Candy Motsak:And, of course, this will all be in the show notes as well.
Candy Motsak:So it'll be clickable and easy.
Candy Motsak:But just in case someone's, you know, likes to write stuff down.
Speaker C:For sure.
Speaker C:So the easiest way to get to know me a little bit better is to listen to my podcast, and it's called she Coaches Coaches.
Speaker C:So that's the quick and easy way.
Speaker C:And because you're listening here, it's super easy to go and find me after this episode, too.
Speaker C:Or you can visit my website, which is stepintosuccessnow.com and there's all the stuff in there.
Speaker C:So come on over and check me out.
Speaker C:And I'd love to get to know you more.
Candy Motsak:Absolutely, yes, please do.
Candy Motsak:And I can't imagine, you know, if you are anywhere in this spot.
Candy Motsak:I think one misconception is that, oh, there's.
Candy Motsak:There's too many coaches.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:Or there, somebody's going to be doing what I'm doing.
Candy Motsak:Nobody can do what you're doing the way you're doing it.
Speaker C:Agreed?
Speaker C:Agreed.
Speaker C:100%.
Candy Motsak:There's space for everyone.
Candy Motsak:This is a very needed space to come into right now.
Candy Motsak:So certainly, if you feel like this is your calling, if you're curious, come check this out, because it may be something that you're not even.
Candy Motsak:You don't even realize that this is what you're interested in.
Candy Motsak:So, you know, it's the whole idea of you don't know what you don't know.
Candy Motsak:So here you go.
Candy Motsak:So, Candy, thank you.
Speaker C:Thank you.
Candy Motsak:Is there anything else that you would like to share before we wrap up for today?
Speaker C:No, I can't think.
Speaker C:I can't think of anything else.
Speaker C:But thank you so much for having me.
Speaker C:And I was really happy to talk about listening.
Speaker C:You know, it's, it's not something that gets a lot of focus, and I think that it's something that you can improve.
Speaker C:Like having just listened to this episode, you can go and you can do that.
Speaker C:Like right now, it's so applicable.
Speaker C:And it's just, just gonna, I don't know, it'll make your relationships better.
Speaker C:You're going to have so much more fun.
Speaker C:You're going to feel so much more connected with the people around you.
Candy Motsak:Absolutely.
Candy Motsak:And it's everything.
Candy Motsak:Every time you work on it, you just, it becomes a little bit easier.
Candy Motsak:Right.
Candy Motsak:You become a little better at it.
Candy Motsak:You figure out something that works well for you.
Candy Motsak:So I'm so grateful that you wanted to talk about this topic because it is one that is not discussed enough and is something that is super actionable.
Candy Motsak:So thank you, thank you, thank you.
Heather Hester:Thank you for listening today.
Heather Hester:If you enjoyed this episode, share it.
Heather Hester: uTube channel at Chrysalismama: Heather Hester:And if you're interested in my raw thoughts on today's most pressing topics, you can find me on TikTok at Chrysalis Mama.
Heather Hester: -: Heather Hester:And remember that you are not alone on this journey.
Heather Hester:Until next next time.
