The Coming Out Process: Stage 3 - Identity Tolerance

Heather Hester: 00:00:06

Welcome back, my friends. Thank you for sharing a few minutes of your day with me today. So, while today's topic is taking an in depth look at Stage Three of the coming out process, I first wanted to just remind you that if you are looking for ways to help in the nationwide effort to push back against all of the anti LGBTQ legislation and just general hate filled rhetoric that is popping up in more and more places, please check out my link tree for a list of organizations that are looking for support in multiple ways. I have my linked in the show notes, as well as on my website.

Welcome to Just Breathe: 00:01:06

Parenting your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast, transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath. And know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the just breathe nets. Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies or lessons I've learned along our journey. I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having cozy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Welcome to Just Breathe: 00:02:08

So today's topic is stage three of the coming out process. And as I've stated in the last two coming out episodes, the more we understand the better we can support our kids and our loved ones. Knowing there is a process and understanding how to recognize behaviors. And most of all, knowing how to support your child where they are in this process is absolutely one of the most life enhancing things we've learned on this journey for sure. So let's first do a quick recap of stages one and two. Stage one is identity and orientation confusion. And it looks a little bit like this. They are asking Who am i They are rejecting and denying all thoughts, feelings and attractions over and over until they reach some sort of acceptance. They're feeling self loathing and shame, depression, anxiety, anger, and isolation. And this stage is almost completely internal. So what you need to look for are the behavioral clues from the feelings I just mentioned. Stage two of the caste identity model is identity and orientation comparison. And it looks a little bit like this. And this stage, they are beginning to accept the possibility. They are still feeling different, isolated, and even possibly alienated. They're still wondering and perhaps hoping it is just a phase and again looking and possibly hoping for an explanation. If they are out it is important to encourage them to grieve the change in their movie reel. Working through the many feelings and changes will allow them to move forward in a positive way. If they are not out yet know that you can walk with them back to the space back to stage two and encourage them to talk through the many thoughts and feelings that they may have just stuffed down or shelved or put away and the sooner they are able to do that the more clarity they will have the easier they will be able to move forward.

Welcome to Just Breathe: 00:04:51

So stage three of the CASS Identity Model is identity and orientation tolerance in this stage They realize they are not alone. And they begin to actively seek a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or queer community or social group as a means of support. This is where GSAs in schools, youth programs in the community, or safe spaces online become so so very important. And when we're talking about safe spaces online, think about Trevor space, or it gets better spaces like that, which are both linked on my website. So if this is something you think that your child would be interested in, or really connect with, check it out. These are the types of programs that are so important to know exist, and why I talk about them. So often. The last thing we want is our adolescents and teens to be blindly looking for answers or information, or so called support online. This is one of the many, many lessons that we learned the hard way. Please trust me when I tell you that you do not want your child on Grindr, or any app like that, nor do you want to be on there yourself. It is also within this stage that some may come to terms with parts of their orientation and or identity but not fully embrace it. And this leads them to living a double life. This double life can range from something just totally benign to self loathing, and shame. And then possibly vacillating between who they are trying to figure out who they are and the person they feel the world wants them to be. So essentially messy, very, very messy internally for them. So just be aware that this is going on. This discrepancy between their two lives dictates the type of coping mechanisms they need, and unfortunately, the ones many reach for. Again, this is where having the background knowledge, as well as resources available is so so very helpful. If they feel isolated, or trapped, or filled with shame and loathing, they may reach for maladaptive tools. If they know there are other options such as therapy, or online or in person groups with peers, or learned tools such as breathing techniques and journaling, they are more likely to opt for that. Again, I know that most of us are learning about these stages either after the fact or while our child is a bit further down the road. But remember, as the parent, you can always circle back to these stages and integrate this knowledge and these tools until wherever your child may be right now.

Welcome to Just Breathe: 00:08:24

Get to know your community resources, find out what is available what they offer. Check out the resource page on my website for an extensive list of more organizations and ideas. And if you're really not sure what to do or where to look, reach out to me if you need help figuring out what you need, or your child needs or your family needs. I really love to chat one on one. I know it is hard to see all of this when you are so close to everything that is going on. And remember that coming out is not a smooth linear process as much as we would love for it to be. It's bumpy, it's messy. Remember that and give yourself the gift of a little space so that you can more easily see where your child is. Any break from what is going on with work, whether it's a walk, a quick meditation, a drive, whatever helps you ground. If you feel stuck and don't know what to say when you're talking with your child. Remember that open ended questions, being curious. Those are the type of things that you want to lead with. At the end of the day. Our kids just want to know that we love them and that we have their backs no matter what Episodes and the rest of the stages four, five and six are coming soon and then in the following weeks as well as the separate process for you as parents and allies. In the meantime, remember to check out the show notes for the link tree. Any information that I shared today, as well as my website for information on the ways you can get involved. For more personal support, check out my course learning to just breathe. purchasing the course allows you lifetime access to my weekly office hours, which I just started. And I will be available there every week to answer questions, help you process or just provide a space for you to take a breath. Until next time.