Episode 86
Understanding Your Child: The Critical Second Stage of Coming Out
Heather Hester welcomes listeners to Just Breathe Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, creating a safe space for parents to understand and support their LGBTQ children. The podcast begins by emphasizing the importance of recognizing that parents are not alone in their journey, which can often be filled with fear, confusion, and uncertainty. Heather takes a moment to address recent communications from listeners, expressing her commitment to focus on the well-being of families. She acknowledges the current climate of fear and division in society, urging listeners to unite and take action against the forces that threaten the acceptance and safety of LGBTQ individuals. Heather provides resources and organizations that parents can engage with, fostering community and collective strength.
The discussion then transitions into a deep dive into Stage Two of the coming out process, which centers around identity comparison. Heather explains that during this stage, teens begin to grapple with their feelings and experiences, often feeling isolated and unsure of their place in the world. She shares insights into the emotional turmoil that comes with this stage, including self-doubt and the desire for acceptance. The importance of representation in media is highlighted, as Heather stresses that seeing characters who reflect their realities can provide comfort and validation to LGBTQ teens.
As the episode unfolds, Heather reassures parents that their children will seek explanations and understanding during this critical time. She encourages open dialogue, suggesting parents approach conversations with compassion and curiosity, allowing their children to express their feelings without judgment. The goal is to create an environment where kids feel safe to explore their identities, while parents learn to navigate their own responses. By the end of the episode, Heather emphasizes the need for patience and understanding, reminding parents that love and support are paramount as their children navigate the complexities of coming out.
Resources:
How the ACLU tracks anti-LGBTQ laws
The Campaign for Southern Equality
Project Caerus - Youth of Florida are organizing to help the LGBTQ Community
Connect with Heather:
The Perfect Holiday Gift! Give a copy of Heather's new book, Parenting with Pride.
Get Your *free* Holiday Survival Guide
Access the course, Learning to Parent with Pride!
Work with Heather one-on-one or bring her into your organization to speak or run a workshop!
Please subscribe to, rate, and review Just Breathe. And, as always, please share with anyone who needs to know they are not alone!
Email: hh@chrysalismama.com
Takeaways:
- The coming out process involves various stages, including identity confusion and comparison, which our kids navigate internally.
- It's crucial for parents to recognize the feelings of isolation their children may experience during this journey.
- Encouraging open communication and understanding creates a safe space for our LGBTQ children to explore their identities.
- Finding characters that reflect their experiences in media helps LGBTQ youth feel seen and supported.
- Parents should give themselves space to process and maintain open-ended curiosity about their child's feelings.
- Staying informed about local organizations and events can empower families to take action in support of LGBTQ rights.
Transcript
Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting youg LGBTQ Teen, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.
Heather:My name is Heather Hester, and I am so grateful you are here.
Heather:I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest.
Heather:Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat.
Heather:Most of all, I want you to remember that, that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
Speaker B:Welcome back, my friends.
Speaker B:Thank you for sharing a few minutes of your day with me today.
Speaker B:So, while today's topic is doing a deep dive on stage two of the coming out process, I first wanted to talk about, really respond to some of the emails and the messages I've received from you all.
Speaker B:If you've been listening for a while, you know that I rarely discuss politics or religion.
Speaker B:My focus typically is solely on our kids, our families, and taking care of one another.
Speaker B:And as you also probably know from listening in the past five to seven years, I have evolved a lot from living a life of judgment and narrow mindedness, which is, hello, fear and control, totally, to a belief system that respects the many beautiful differences that make up the humans on this planet.
Speaker B:The human race is, to me, like a brilliantly colored, intricate piece of fabric.
Speaker B:All of the threads signifying geography and culture, race, religion, sexuality, gender, identity, and so much more all woven together.
Speaker B:There have been times in our global history that have seen more collective peace and beauty, but now is not one of them.
Speaker B:What is happening right now has been chronicled over and over throughout history.
Speaker B:One group of people of a particular race, religion, geographic location, or all of the above, believes that all other human beings should adhere to their belief system, that they are in some way superior or divinely chosen or both.
Speaker B:And when all other human beings push back, well, we're seeing it right now.
Speaker B:Power, control, and hate take over.
Speaker B:I know so many of you are scared and angry and rightfully so, and I am right there with you.
Speaker B:I am, too.
Speaker B:And just like we fight with every fiber of our beings for our kids, we can use that, that fire in our bellies that.
Speaker B:To fight what is going on all across our country right now.
Speaker B:These are loud voices who are using the power they currently have to attempt control.
Speaker B:But they are small in number and they can be defeated.
Speaker B:We all just need to continue coming together and organizing our efforts.
Speaker B:And in that we will find that the statistics are in fact true.
Speaker B:A majority of the country has belief systems that are more aligned with ours and they will stand up with us.
Speaker B:So in the show notes of this episode, and this is really important, I have put together a long list of organizations and events of all sizes that are happening across the country that we can join in to help to make stronger, to either participate in or help fund or write letters or there's all types of things, types of ways that we can get involved.
Speaker B:I'm also going to put this in my link tree and on my website and I will continually update it as I learn of new ways that we can help.
Speaker B:So moving on to today's topic, Stage two of the Coming Out Process the more we understand, the better we can support our kids, our loved ones, right?
Speaker B:Knowing there is a process and understanding how to recognize behaviors and most of all knowing how to support your child where they are in this process is absolutely one of the most life enhancing things we've learned on this journey.
Speaker B:As a quick recap, Stage one is Identity and or Orientation confusion.
Speaker B:Stage one of the coming out process looks like this asking who am I rejecting and denying all thoughts, feelings and attractions over and over until they reach some sort of acceptance, feeling self loathing, shame, depression, anxiety, anger and isolation.
Speaker B:And remember that this stage is almost completely internal.
Speaker B:So what we need to look for are the behavioral clues from the feelings of what I just mentioned.
Speaker B:Stage two of the CAS Identity model is identity and or orientation comparison.
Speaker B:In this stage, our kids begin to wrap their heads around the possibility they have moved from the denial of stage one and are becoming acutely aware of and are beginning to acknowledge to themselves the truth of their realizations.
Speaker B:I really don't like the word different, but that is the number one word kids use to describe how they feel, Connor included.
Speaker B:Because of this, feelings of isolation and alienation are common, especially if they are afraid to tell us or don't have any peers who are or seem to be experiencing the same realizations.
Speaker B:This is one of the many reasons it is so very important that our kids can see characters like them in books they read and in the movies and the TV shows they watch.
Speaker B:This is why we fight book banning.
Speaker B:They will also still wonder if it is just a phase, and I think it might even be more accurate to say that they hope it is just a phase.
Speaker B:Remember, this is still likely all internal.
Speaker B:They have not told anyone yet.
Speaker B:They are taking note of all of the dialogue, all around them.
Speaker B:One of the potential many thoughts is maybe this is this phase thing some people keep talking about.
Speaker B:Finally, in this stage they will look for an explanation.
Speaker B:Why is a huge question right now.
Speaker B:They may also want to start learning about sexual orientation and gender identity and depending on their age they may begin to look into LGBTQ community resources.
Speaker B:If they are out, it is important to encourage them to talk about the loss of heterosexual life expectations.
Speaker B:Allow them to grieve the change in their movie reel.
Speaker B:Working through the many feelings and changes will allow them to move forward in a positive way.
Speaker B:Since it is common that your child will experience this stage before they come out, it is important for you to know that you can walk back with them to this space and encourage them to talk through the many thoughts and feelings that they may have just stuffed down.
Speaker B:The sooner they are able to do that, the more clarity they will have.
Speaker B:I know it is really hard to see all of this when you are so close to everything that is going on and coming out is not a smooth linear process as much as we would like for it to be.
Speaker B:Give yourself the gift a little space so you can more easily see where your child is.
Speaker B:Any break from the intensity will work.
Speaker B:Take a walk, meditate, drive in silence or with your favorite music blasting whatever helps you ground.
Speaker B:If you feel stuck and you don't know what to say, remember open ended curiosity as your theme for questions.
Speaker B:At the end of the day, our kids just want to know that we love them, that we see them, that we hear them, and that we have their back no matter what.
Speaker B:Episodes on the rest of the stages of the coming out process for your child as well as the separate process for you will be coming in the weeks ahead.
Speaker B:In the meantime, remember to check the show notes, my link tree or my website for information on all of the ways you can get involved.
Speaker B:For more personal support, check out my course Learning to Just Breathe and remember that accompanying weekly office hours to answer any questions to help you process will be starting soon.
Speaker B:Until next time.
Heather:Thanks so much for joining me today.
Heather:If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful.
Heather:For a rating or a review, click on the link in the show notes or go to my website chrysalismama.com to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me.
Heather:Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone and remember to just breathe.
Heather:Until next time.
Speaker B:Sa.
