The Coming Out Process: Stage 2 - Identity Comparison

Heather Hester: 00:00:11

Welcome to Just breathe parenting your LGBTQ team, the podcast, transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath. And know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the just breathe nets. Whether today's show is an amazing guest, or me sharing stories, resources, strategies or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having cosy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Heather Hester: 00:01:13

Welcome back, my friends. Thank you for sharing a few minutes of your day with me today. So while today's topic is doing a deep dive on stage two of the coming out process I first wanted to talk about really respond to some of the emails and the messages I've received from you all. If you've been listening for a while you know that I rarely discuss politics or religion. My focus typically is solely on our kids, our families, and taking care of one another. And as you also probably know from listening in the past five to seven years, I have evolved a lot from living a life of judgment and narrow mindedness which is hello fear and control totally to a belief system that respects the many beautiful differences that make up the humans on this planet. The human race is to me, like a brilliantly colored intricate piece of fabric, all of the threads signifying geography and culture, race, religion, sexuality, gender identity, and so much more. all woven together. There have been times in our global history that have seen more collective peace and beauty. But now is not one of them. What is happening right now has been chronicled over and over throughout history. One group of people of a particular race, religion, geographic location, or all of the above, believes that all other human beings should adhere to their belief system, that they are in some way superior or divinely chosen, or both. And when all other human beings push back, well, we're seeing it right now. Power Control, and hate take over. I know so many of you're scared, and angry, and rightfully so. And I am right there with you. I am too. And just like we fight with every fiber of our beings for our kids, we can use that, that fire in our bellies, that to fight what is going on all across our country right now. These are loud voices who are using the power they currently have to attempt control. But they are smaller number and they can be defeated. We all just need to continue coming together and organizing our efforts. And in that we will find that the statistics are in fact true. A majority of the country has belief systems that are more aligned with ours, and they will stand up with us. So in the show notes of this episode, and this is really important. I have put together a long list of organizations and events of all sizes that are happening across the country that we can join in to help to make stronger to either participate in or help fund or write letters or there's all types of things types of ways that we can get involved. I'm also going to put this in my link tree and on my website and I will continually update it as I learn of new ways that we can Help.

Heather Hester: 00:05:02

So, moving on to today's topic, stage two of the coming out process. The more we understand, the better we can support our kids and our loved ones right? Knowing there is a process and understanding how to recognize behaviors. And most of all, knowing how to support your child where they are in this process is absolutely one of the most life enhancing things we've learned on this journey. As a quick recap, stage one is identity and or orientation confusion. Stage one of the coming out process looks like this, asking, Who am I rejecting and denying all thoughts, feelings and attractions over and over until they reach some sort of acceptance? Feeling self loathing, shame, depression, anxiety, anger and isolation. And remember that this stage is almost completely internal. So what we need to look for are the behavioral clues from the feelings of what I just mentioned. Stage two of the caste identity model is identity and or orientation comparison. In this stage, our kids begin to wrap their heads around the possibility. They have moved from the denial of stage one, and are becoming acutely aware of and are beginning to acknowledge to themselves the truth of their realizations. I really don't like the word different. But that is the number one word kids used to describe how they feel, Connor included. Because of this, feelings of isolation and alienation are common, especially if they are afraid to tell us or don't have any peers who are or seem to be experiencing the same realizations. This is one of the many reasons it is so very important that our kids can see characters like them and books they read. And in the movies and the TV shows they watch. This is why we fight book banning. They will also still wonder if it is just a phase. And I think it might even be more accurate to say that they hope it is just a phase. Remember, this is still likely all internal. They have not told anyone yet they are taking note of all of the dialogue all around them. One of the potential many thoughts is maybe this is this phase things some people keep talking about. Finally, in this stage, they will look for an explanation. Why is a huge question right now. They may also want to start learning about sexual orientation and gender identity. And depending on their age, they may begin to look into LGBTQ community resources. If they are out, it is important to encourage them to talk about the loss of heterosexual life expectations. Allow them to grieve the change in their movie reel. Working through the many feelings and changes will allow them to move forward in a positive way. Since it is common that your child will experience this stage before they come out. It is important for you to know that you can walk back with them to this space and encourage them to talk through the many thoughts and feelings that they may have just stuffed down. The sooner they are able to do that the more clarity they will have. I know it is really hard to see all of this when you are so close to everything that is going on. And coming out is not a smooth linear process as much as we would like for it to be. Give yourself the gift of a little space so you can more easily see where your child is. Any break from the intensity will work. Take a walk, meditate, drive in silence or with your favorite music blasting. Whatever helps you ground. If you feel stuck, and you don't know what to say, remember, open ended curiosity as your theme for questions. At the end of the day, our kids just want to know that we love them, that we see them, that we hear them, and that we have their back, no matter what. episodes on the rest of the stages of the coming out process for your child, as well as the separate process for you will be coming in the weeks ahead. In the meantime, remember to check the show notes, my link tree or my website for information on all of the ways you can get involved. For more personal support, check out my course learning to just breathe. And remember that accompanying weekly office hours to answer any questions to help you process we'll be starting soon. Until next time.